When am I ever going to learn? Setting goals does little to motivate me. I cannot succeed for success' sake, and I am just as unlikely to succeed for the sheer sake of not disappointing myself. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I don't let someone else down, but seem completely unable to do this for myself. While this makes me a good employee, it doesn't make me good to myself.
I keep telling myself if I can just make it to exams then everything will be fine. Exams are easier to grade. The sencond nine weeks will be over; the first semester will be over. I'm all about fresh starts. I have promised myself that I will go easier on myself for the second semester, so that I have less to grade. I will be more productive in my time at school, so that I have less school work to bring home.
That time is almost here. Tomorrow is the last day of classes for this semester. Thursday is the first day of exams. Exams are also a good thing, because I have the two hours it takes the students to complete the exams to work on grading. I just have to make it until tomorrow.
Then I can write. And write, and write, and write.
But reality hit me hard today. I have just over 20 class days until my 11th graders have to take the Writing SOL test. Divide that in half because we are on a block schedule, and I have just over 10 more class days until I am held responsible by their test scores. Six weeks. Then, there is another SOL test covering reading and research in March.
I have to make time for me to follow this dream. I have to make this dream a priority. If I want my life to be what I want, if I want to have control of my schedule, my income, if I want to be happy, I have to do this.
Word of the day: One of the worst things about this life is the constant feeling of torpor. I feel so few emotions, and even those are on the surface. The shiny, little details of daily life slip by completely unseen, undetected, unfelt by my senses. It is only in my work that I experience the emotional fulfillment people seem to get from every exchange. (I would just like to clarify that this sentence is from the voice of my character not a reflection of the despondent feelings I have right now)
I have this same speech with myself multiple times a week. I set goals, fail the goals, then chant the mantra that I have to make time to do this or my dream will never come true.
ReplyDeleteIf you find a trick to getting the 8 hours a day to write that I need that will allow me to become a famous author (so I can have 8 hours a day to write) - let me know!