I'd Rather Be Writing - The Diary of a Wanna Be

Endings and Beginnings

2012-01-25T18:23:00.001-05:00

OK...so I did it. I finished NaNo. By finished I mean that I reached the goal of 50 thousand words written in a single month. I hear you asking did I reach my goal of finishing the novel? The answer is no. I did not. I didn't even get close. However, I rewarded myself by falling into a complete writing slump for the month of December. It is now nearly the end of January, and I still have not finished that novel. Am I going to? Lord, I can only hope. My current plan is to get back at it hardcore as soon as I get this semester at school under control, which should be about the middle of next week. I feel good about this novel. I think I can do it. And even better than that, I think this novel has potential.

While I didn't get any writing done in December, I did continue to submit the two short stories and two poems I have written and completed since Hindman. The gentle nudging of a "Loving" friend has finally made me realize that if I'm going to turn this dream into a reality, then submitting short stories to lit mags on a frequent basis is a large step I had been previously neglecting. Hands, the piece I wrote at Hindman that received rave reviews from peers and experts alike, is still getting rejected about as fast as I can send it out. Currently, it is hanging out at a mag that has already had it 94 days. Their projected response time is 30 days, and Duotrope has their average response time listed as 46 days. Yes, I have queried. No, I've not heard anything from that either. I'm giving them another week or so, then I'm going to pull it, or send another letter, or sit here pensively and worry. One of the three.

Goddess is a short piece that follows the same dark tone and subject as Hands. It is all me. There has been peer editing by my wonderful writing group "For Shame" as well as by some of my wonderful writing friends from Hindman. However, there has not been the editing and suggestions from a working, published author like I received on Hands. I've pondered over this piece since October. I've fretted, gone through four significant revisions, added a third section after I thought two was enough, and basically worried this piece like a dog would a bone. On Sunday the 15th, I had had enough, and I just started submitting. I sent it to all three of the mags that rejected Hands and gave me personal rejections saying they liked my "voice" or "style". I chose two other places where I thought it might fit, and just sent it.

I got a rejection in just under 24 hours from one of the places that had rejected Hands. You remember that 'personal' rejection I mentioned earlier saying they liked my "style". Well, seems it wasn't so personal after all, as I got the exact same rejection this time for a different story. On Monday, one week and one day after submitting, I received my second response. The mag that gave me a personal rejection for Hands saying they liked my "voice" and strongly urged me submit again will be publishing, both online and in print, my story Goddess.

scissors and spackle is a pretty cool magazine. I enjoy reading it, and would have continued to enjoy reading it even if they hadn't offered to publish my story. I strongly suggest you give it a read, and if you have a few dollars to spare you ought to order a print copy. Also, if you are interested in such things, you ought to take a look at how they run their small press, because it is people like this that will keep all of us alive in this business. If you aren't interested in such things, then support small presses anyway, because I said you should.

So, it has begun. I have gotten a story out there and published the real way, the old fashioned way, the hard-work way, the I-finally-feel-like-my-writing-has-merit way. And for the first time have realized that as long as I keep writing ENDINGS, and keep submitting, I will get there, and the acceptances will keep rolling in. OK, maybe not rolling, but at least trickling.

Rough, Rougher, and Tough

2011-11-13T09:12:00.000-05:00

Last week was rough. I started a couple hundred words ahead, but threw that all away by writing nothing on Monday. I tried not to get discouraged, since I had such a good weekend and was able to completely recover from a day of not writing, On Tuesday I wrote just over 1000 words, which is nothing to frown at, but wasn't nearly enough to get me caught up. Then on Wednesday, I wrote nothing once again. I even started ignoring the NaNoWriMo website.

Then things got even rougher at school. On Thursday, I wrote 879 words. On Friday, I wrote 327. I even posted on my local NaNo Facebook page that I felt like giving up. I woke up on Saturday to do the math and realize I was 7301 words behind schedule. The handy, dandy tools on the NaNo site projected that if I continued at my current rate, I would finish (reach 50K) somewhere near the end of December. It also calculated that for me to finish on time I would need to write nearly 2000 words a day. All of those numbers frustrated me to no end.

On Saturday, I got tough. I was 7301 behind schedule, but I was going to simply make small goals and not worry about the large task in front of me. My first goal was to finish the chapter I was in. I don't like that character, and she is difficult to work with. I reached that goal, and it landed me in a chapter I've been dying to write. So, I kept going, and my next goal was to write that exciting chapter. But that chapter didn't go as expected and came to an abrupt end I wasn't expecting without getting me to the part I'd been excited about. I took a quick break, just to sit down and find out that the character I don't like was insisting on having another chapter. So, I decided to get this completely unplanned for chapter out of the way. This stupid character was ruining my beautiful outline.

Interesting things happened in that chapter. One of the reasons I don't like this character, besides the obvious I know the horrible things she going to do later on, is that she essentially has a schizophrenic personality which is damn hard to write. However, in this random chapter she insisted be written, I started to get the hang of her split-naturedness, and laid a seed for a beautiful piece of prose I know comes later in the story. That chapter ended on a little piece of loveliness, and I kept moving without taking a break.

The next chapter ended up being a continuation of the previous one I'd been looking forward to, and this time I got to the place I'd been hoping to, the scene I wanted to write. It didn't go as expected either, but also ended on something surprisingly pleasant. Either way, I was back on track with my outline. Which allowed me to constantly have some idea of what came next.

Yesterday, I wrote 5505 words. I ended the day 1796 words behind, but instead of feeling like an insurmountable task, it felt like a drop in the bucket compared to what I had accomplished. I went to bed in the middle of a chapter knowing I would end today either completely caught up or ahead of where I needed to be, which is 21,667. Reaching the 20's is pretty cool when your goal is 50K.

Two very interesting things happened yesterday. Firstly, I remembered to surrender to my characters. My plot outline is helping me greatly when I get stuck; however, I have to remember these characters are living, breathing things. I want the reader to be surprised by their execution of free will; therefore, as the writer, I have to let them exercise their free will to act outside of my preconceived outline. This novel is all about the difference between outward perception and inner perception of one's self and one's actions. How can I be true to the story if I control all their actions?

Secondly, I realized the task I had completed. I wrote 5505 words. More than almost getting me to my goal, this is essentially the length of a short story. I, in essence, wrote a short story worth of words yesterday. This was a shock to me. I've written several short stories over the years. Some have been about this length, and a couple have been a couple thousand words longer. The key to all of those is that I wrote them over the course of weeks. Weeks. I would get some idea, pound out a couple thousand words, then spend weeks trying to finish. Yesterday, I realized that I can write the first draft of a short story in a single day. This is a break through that is going to affect the rest of my writing life. I have taken away my own chance at making excuses.

On a different note, I should hear back from three of my seven pending submissions this week. I may even hear back from four, since one of them has already had my story 30 days longer than their estimated response time. I have taken all of this in stride. I have not been overly excited or anxious while waiting for a response. Nor have I been dejected or frustrated by the rejections. I was even very excited about the personal rejection I received last week that contained praise for my work and asked me to submit again. But here's the deal. For some reason, one of my current submissions has taken hold of me. I've been anxiously awaiting their response. Instead of my twice a day checking, I've been looking at my email every chance I get, up to 10 or more times a day.

According to the statistical evidence on Duotrope, I have every reason in the world to be excited. They have rejected stories over the past few days that they have received after they received mine. Duotrope says their average rejection time is 11 days, while their average acceptance time is 13 days. They've had my story for 13 days. This is a very prestigious lit mag. It is so prestigious that I've not listed this submission on my submissions page here on my blog because I'm embarrassed. I would be mortified for some of my actual, published, working author friends to see the submission and think to themselves, Why on earth does she think THAT lit mag would ever accept her work?

At this point, I just want to know. And I really, really hope that this unrestrained anxious positive feeling doesn't turn into an equally unrestrained sense of rejection if that is what happens.

Thanks for sticking with me through this. I'm trying to figure out a way to count all these rambling words here towards my NaNo goal for the day. :)

So Far, So NaNo... blowing past 10K

2011-11-06T10:01:00.000-05:00

So, it is mid-morning of November 6th, and I am 312 words ahead of schedule on NaNo. Days one, two, and three all ended with me being ahead of word count (day two I was nearly 1000 words ahead!). On Friday the 4th, I took 28 seniors on a field trip. I had to be up at 3:30 in the morning and spent most of the day on a school bus, herding children, playing teacher in an uncontrolled environment, and otherwise enjoying a fun variance to the usual job routine. However, when I got home I was plumb exhausted and could barely manage to undress and sit down much less actually write 1667 words.

With that said, life reared its ugly head at about 4:30 Saturday morning screaming, "Mommy! I'm going to throw up!" This was followed by the sound only MY children make before projectile vomiting in a way I spent 29 years of my life thinking I was the only one in the world who did that. Apparently, it is an inherited trait. After four and half years, we finally have the hang of this whole "sick" thing (knock on wood) and things proceeded as expected. I was thankful that we actually had some Pedialyte in the fridge that wasn't expired. The girl child laid on the couch most of the day watching movies, napping, and sipping her Pedialyte. I, on the other hand, was up and down to the bathroom at least 25 times, and still managed to crank out 2,331 words. The boys of the house made it through this one mostly untouched.

This morning everyone is healthy and happy and eating again... except me, and I still feel like I have a belly full of angry snakes. Luckily, it was a 24 hour bug, at least for the girl child. I've written 2471 words so far today, and feel like I'm probably not done. I know where I am at the moment, and I know where I'm going next, and I see no reason to slow down when things are going so well.

See, I'm cheating a little this year at NaNo. I have this short story that I love. My friends and family love this story too. So, after three years of trying to perfect it, and having it rejected by a few places as a short story, I'm turning it into a novel. The first third of the novel is my two main characters as children, the middle is essentially the short story expanded, and the last third will be what happens after the, what I consider to be awesome, cliff hanger ending of the short story. Everything is new writing (even the middle part when I get there), but right now I'm writing all the things I know about my characters that were essential to my knowledge for the short story, but were never included. I have just written myself up to my first flashback in the short story. Only now, it will be in real time.

Oh, wicked past perfect verb tense, I have just kicked you in the face! And damn it feels good!

Submissions and plans

2011-10-29T13:05:00.000-04:00

In the past week, I've submitted "Hands" to three more magazines, finished another short fiction piece that now needs to be edited, plotted the first third of my NaNo novel, and contacted three published authors (who also happen to be people I know personally from writing workshops) about looking over my work and helping me get it submitted to the right places. And that's just on the writing front...

I have another story in the works that would make the writer's of Seinfeld proud. It is definitely about nothing and has some really weird phrases in it. It was intended to be ready for a November 1st deadline; we'll see if that happens.

As November creeps closer and closer, I vacillate between feelings of joyful anxiety and paralyzing fear. Do I really need a fourth novel? This is one of my very best short stories, is attempting to grow it going to kill it? What if I finish it and it's decent? What the hell do I do then?

No matter what, I'm plodding along, and feel kinda good about it at the moment. Maybe I'm starting to get the hang of how all this works.

STUCK....

2011-10-22T11:58:00.000-04:00

I'm stuck. I've submitted seven times since Hindman. All with the expected results. So, I have one story I've been told by several people is ready to be "out there", and no where I can find to place it. I have another story which I thought was ready but have since changed my mind and don't have a clue how to fix it. November is just over a week away, and I'm still not sure what novelling pursuit I'm going to attempt. I also know from experience, if I don't start thinking about next summer's writing workshops, I'm going to be crunching at the last moment and will be very unsatisfied with what I have to send. I want nothing more than to be writing and submitting right now, but I'm stuck.

Several people have suggested that I read. Well, that's like suggesting I breathe, blink, or otherwise simply continue to live, but OK. The last two books I've read have been horrible. Absolutely atrocious. What's more, they are essentially in the genre I consider to be my fall back. If I don't like, enjoy, or understand the genre, how can I possibly write, publish, or succeed in the genre? I've always just considered myself to be an Appalachian writer. How come I don't like the other Appalachian literature I've been reading?

Another suggestion was to pursue a weekly writing prompt. Well, I joined a group that does that. As mentioned earlier, I started pursuing a new style of writing at Hindman this year, and everyone who's read my work in that format has said they are impressed and feel I have a knack for it. So, I joined the group. Here's the deal, I'm just not sure I get it. The prompts come out, I get an idea, but can't make it work in this new style that I'm "just so good at". My writing is just different from that.

I understand this is how things are "supposed" to work. I realize I'm supposed to get stuck, and then I'm supposed to work to get myself unstuck. I'm supposed to be submitting. I'm supposed to be writing. I'm supposed to be ready when the deadlines to apply to workshops come. Supposed, supposed, supposed... it starts to sound funny when you say it over and over like that. Stuck, stuck, stuck.... it doesn't sound like anything other than stuck when you say it over and over like that.

Now what?

2011-10-12T06:20:00.000-04:00

So I have submitted seven times since Hindman, and while I feel like the number should be higher, I'm still proud of myself. This is the first time I've submitted, so I'm going to take a moment to be glad that I'm moving forward. However, four rejections and one returned query have me wondering what comes next.

I should hear back from one of my pending submissions any day now according to their website and duotrope.com. Which is only the best resource for writers... EVER. The other pending submission will take a while, and I'm good with that. But I feel like now is the time to start sending out again. And I feel like I should be simultaneously submitting to more places.

This leads me to the obvious next question(s). Do I find new places for the two stories that have been rejected, or do I work on those pieces to make them better then find them new places? Or do I try to find new places, then write stories to fit their style/form/ideals? Or do I finish up one of the three pieces I've started since Hindman and start sending them out?

Either way, November is almost here, and yes... I'm going to attempt NaNo again. I know what I'm going to do and need to get plotting so that I can be a success again this year. However, I think it would be a good idea to get a few things out there and in people's hands while I'm pecking away in November. Not to mention, it's never too early to be working on what I will use to attempt to gain access to the wonderfulness that is Hindman next summer.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Rejection, Acceptance, & Shame

2011-10-02T18:26:00.000-04:00

So, I've received another rejection. Yay! I'm one more closer to my goal of fifty! It was an odd rejection though, because it was for a contest, and I found out I didn't place when I saw the post that the issue had been published. I hadn't received notification of any kind. I feel it's kind of odd to say it, but dang... a little rejection letter would have been nice.

Though the rejection made me really feel like not going, today I had my first official writer's group meeting. I was very excited when we first started planning, then as soon as the date and time were set I started having doubts. The closer the official day crept the more I felt I shouldn't go. I felt like I wouldn't be helpful to anyone else, I didn't want to bog down good writers by asking them to look at my work, and I truly didn't feel like I would have anything beneficial to offer. Getting yet another rejection the night before the meeting almost made up my mind to not go. Then I got a message from a good friend who had also submitted to and been rejected by the same contest. She was considering not going to the meeting because of the rejection as well. That idea was just absurd, because she is such a talented writer, so I wrote her a message and told her to get her butt to that meeting. Then I promptly followed my own advice and got my own butt there.

I truly have not laughed that hard or that much since Hindman. Three of us had been participants and we reminisced as well as filled each other in on conversations and happenings that the others didn't know about. We discussed what we all wanted to get out of the group, where we are with our writing, and what goals we have for the near future. We all read a small piece of writing, and we had short discussions about the pieces and promised to email them out to all participants. It was absolutely amazing to be back among writers and have myself and my crazy way of thinking accepted.

For now we are called "For Shame Writer's Group". And while the name may change, I feel fairly certain the word 'shame' will be in the name, and you'll have to trust me you just had to be there to know why or understand that it HAS to be in the name. Well... if it doesn't have 'shame' in it, then we will be "The Screwing Flies Writer's Group". Again, you just had to be there. I'm so glad I was.

Irony

2011-09-01T06:04:00.000-04:00

I've been working hard on a piece for the past two months. It is the piece I used to get into Hindman, and it was work-shopped in my class with Gwyn Rubio. I also had an intense one on one with Gwyn where we went page by page through the story and discussed whether pretty much everything was working--or not.

Since coming home from Hindman I have continued to work on the story using the comments from the workshop and my time with Gwyn. I've also sent it out to two friends from Hindman who were not a part of my class and gotten suggestions back from them. Working on this story has given me the new habit of hitting B&N every Saturday night, just so I have some private writing time.

So, yesterday was the deadline to submit the story to a contest I've had my eye on for months. All three editors of the lit mag that holds the contest work/attend Hindman every year, and two of them asked me if I was planning to submit. Anyone who knows me shouldn't be surprised that I was completing my final edits last night directly before the midnight deadline.

I was only making small changes, switching 'surround' for 'around', clarifying a pronoun, cutting an unnecessary adverb/adjective, but every time I read through the story last night I found one more thing I just knew could be better. I realized after my seventh time in one evening I was making myself crazy. I decided I had worked hard on the story, and I just needed to let it go.

So, I logged on to my email to complete the submission and what do you think was waiting for me in my inbox? A rejection from another lit mag.

I truly believe I have been very good about this whole submission process. I check my email for submission responses only three times a day: when I wake up, when I get home from work, and right before I go to bed. I don't obsess over the response or lack thereof during other parts of my life. I check, and I move on.

I also believe I'm pretty good with rejection. Yeah, it hurts, but it's not an agonizing hurt that makes me want to give up. It's more like the burn of a good workout. It's uncomfortable, but lets me know I am that much closer if I just push on. I don't enjoy it, but don't fret unnecessarily either.

However, I'm really starting to resent the ironic timing of these things. I received my first two on the same day which just so happened to be my first day back to school. Then, just when I'm trying to convince myself that I am good enough to submit to another magazine, playing a serious game of "fake it 'til you make it" with my confidence, I force myself to log in and submit, and what is staring me in the face but another rejection. I had already checked the email twice yesterday, but did it arrive before school? After school? No. It waited until I was trying to push myself past feelings of self doubt and BAM there it was waiting to make the game a little harder. If that's not irony, then I don't know what is.

Steam....

2011-08-23T21:53:00.001-04:00

I experienced my first earthquake today. For a second I found it very interesting, and was standing there trying to get the feel for it... details... how it really felt... then I realized I was responsible for teenagers at the moment, and I should ensure their safety. So.... I herded them around to where they were supposed to be, and risked my own body when we didn't hear the all clear and went in search of information about my isolated little youngins. Interesting stuff...

So, I'm running out of steam...

It's the second day of school, and I'm running out of steam. I've written three stories since coming home from Hindman, but I've not fully edited them out. I have two stories I want to submit by August 31 to a contest, and neither of them have been through their final final edit. I've not quit. This is the most I've ever done since leaving Hindman, but I can feel the wind slipping out of my sails.

I need some inspiration...
I need a reason to keep going.

Rejected, Lost, & Hopeful

2011-08-15T19:31:00.002-04:00

I woke up, and.... no wait. Let me back track just a bit. I love my job. Truly. Very often, when I pull into the parking lot each morning, I realize how very lucky I am to have the career I do. I'm not the sentimental type; I don't get these feelings; I don't get overwhelmed by sensations of joy and being blessed. But regularly, I get to work and get a happy-go-lucky skip in my step, because teaching children is a wonderful thing.

Like any teacher, I love my summer; however, I will be the first to tell you that I spend my summer's lost. I am not an organized critter, but I am a critter of habit. Without the regular bells, meetings, and due dates, I don't know when or how to accomplish things. Except for the weeks spent at writing workshops, I flounder around lonely and feeling unimportant in the summer. I'm one of those weirdos who likes to return to school.

With that said, like any human, I groaned when the alarm went off this morning a good two hours earlier than I've gotten up in over two months. Even the insomniac, dawn-worshipping toddlers were still snoring. I did not want to go to work, but simply because I am lazy. I knew when I got up and got moving I would be fine, and when I pulled into the parking lot, I'd be even finer. So, now back to the beginning...

I woke up and found two rejection letters in my inbox. Those who know me closest have been after me hard to submit for the past year. I mean hard, so with my small semblance of success at Hindman I decided to go for it. I know it is a game of statistics. I know everyone, no matter how successful, will receive more rejections than acceptances. That's only logical. But truthfully, isn't it a small slap in the face that I get my first two rejections, on the same day, mailed within 37 minutes of each other, on my first day back at work after an entire summer off? I mean surely at least one of them could have taken it's time dawdling through cyber-space and arrived after lunch.

So, I worked all day (and no teacher, even us weird ones, likes teacher work week). I ended my day on the best news I've ever received while working at my current school. It was so good, that I decided to leave work right then, even though I had plenty more work to do, just so I could end my work day on such a high moment. I was barely 10 minutes into my 60 minute commute when a friend calls and tells me to abandon the shortest route home, and do it quickly. Apparently, there was a family dispute including guns which had closed down the major, four-lane state road. Sometimes, you just have to love working in the backwoods!

Now, I need to explain that I am not ignorant. Nor, am I uneducated. In fact, I'm a pretty smart chica if I must say so myself. Unfortunately, I am so directionally challenged I would get lost trying to find my way out of a wet paper bag. I had two friends from work and my GPS trying to get me home. I was a lost cause. A very lost cause. People have a tendency to get frustrated with me when I get lost because I can't tell you where I am, I don't recognize streets signs, or business names or anything. Last week, while driving down the aforementioned major state road that I have driven twice a day for five years, I looked up, saw a business and thought, holy crap, I've never seen that before. Am I on the right road?

Today, during the whole, where in the hell are you fiasco, my friend asked me if I just don't pay attention while I'm driving, and I guess I don't. I finally found myself on a road number that I knew if I followed it west would eventually run into the city where I live. I didn't recognize anything around me, and started thinking about what my friend said about not paying attention. I decided I was going to pay attention the entire ride home (I wasn't sure how long it would be, I was very, very lost).

I looked to my left and saw a quaint country store. It had a porch with rockers, and I could only imagine all the really neat things and people that could be inside. There would probably be homemade jams and chutneys and maybe some local produce. There would be overpriced essentials like motor oil, and dishwasher liquid, and nearly expired canned goods. And then I imagined the little old family than would run such a place. They would know the names of all the families that lived close, and they would put up a jar to collect change for any personally known tragedy. And I kept imagining, the store, the couple, the setting, the characters, the twist..... the plot twist.... and I missed the turn two lights away from my house 40 minutes after I found the right road.

I have a new story. That little old couple is sneaky and I can't wait to write about them. And I still couldn't tell you a single landmark on my new (found?) way home. I guess I just don't pay attention. ;)

New Rungs, New Ladders

2011-08-14T19:37:00.000-04:00

So it's been nearly a year since I posted. That is what it is, and I'm going to move forward from this point.

To recap, I tried NaNo as mentioned in my last post. I didn't get very far, though I did teach it to my creative writing class and had several students who reached their goals. I still consider that a score. Fast forward to June 2011. I once again attended the Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop at Hollins University. It was more amazing this year than last. While I did not take full advantage of all the opportunities that landed in my lap, I have not exhausted those opportunities, and I kept writing all summer.

Then, just over a week ago, I once again took a little trip to heaven at the Appalachian Writer's Workshop at the Hindman Settlement School. This year was different, amazing like always, but different. My work received much better attention and even better constructive criticism. While attending I wrote (in three hours) and edited (in another three hours) and read (in an excruciating five minutes) my first piece of flash fiction. While everyone at Hindman is always very nice after participant readings, this year my responses were... different.

I will say that, Hands, is the darkest piece of fiction I have ever written. I was so terrified of offending people that I almost didn't read it at the participant readings, but I am so glad I did. Later that evening, while I was still receiving congratulations from my fellow participants, an esteemed editor of an honest to goodness literary magazine approached me and asked for my work! And as if that weren't enough, when I hesitated only slightly in my emphatic head shaking and stammering "yes, yes, of course" he added the statement of all statements. "Oh, unless it's already committed elsewhere." I was/am still stunned. Not only was I personally asked to submit my work to real lit mag, it was assumed that it might have already been accepted by another. I got two other requests for my work before leaving.

Let's just say I did NOT let that opportunity slip by. The work was submitted and while I hope against hope that it will be accepted, if it isn't I am completely OK, because it was the asking that got me to where I am now... the bottom rung of a new ladder.

Since coming home from Hindman I have written EVERY DAY. I have completed two stories and now have work out to six different lit mags. I have started two new stories and have chosen four other places to submit between now and November 1st. It has begun. And no matter where it leads, I'm hanging on for the ride.

I go back to school tomorrow. I've always loved my job, and feel more secure in my surroundings when I am living the organized (stop laughing) life of a regular schedule. I will be good tomorrow. I know that it will be difficult to keep up the writing pace, the submission schedule, the work that is required to lead this life, but each new height shows the bottom of the very next ladder.

November, NaNo, School, and more...

2010-10-31T10:25:00.000-04:00

So, it's been nearly three months since I wrote. Summer is over, writing conferences were completed, school has begun, and there's a chance we've survived the first stomach virus of the season. The vote is still out on the stomach virus, and while a recount may be necessary, I feel certain that someday we will all be healthy again.

School began at the end of August. Nine weeks later, this year has proven to be the most difficult and most rewarding one so far. I've finally settled in at LHS; I have a place; I am a piece of the community now. This also means that I'm now taken advantage of, overused, overworked, required too much of, and taken for granted by those who know me, my philosophy of education, and my dedication to the students above all else. I stand by my conviction that I will not retire from teaching and plan to move on from education within 5 to 10 years of beginning at LHS. However, I'm starting to feel like I belong and finally have a place where I'm needed.

My writing has officially been on hiatus since my return from Hindman. I know this is not how it should have been. I know that I now have three novels in progress; none of which have been completed. I have also not fulfilled the pledge I made at Hindman to my fellow writers to submit, submit, submit my short stories and actually begin working on my writing career. I have not put the energy into my writing career that is necessary to achieve my aforementioned goal of leaving the world of education in my wake. I have to wonder why this is so.

Firstly, I love my job. I love the children. I love making a difference. Is it possible that I've not put everything into my writing because I'm more content that even I realize where I am? Also, I've long believed that while I have some talent in writing I will never believe I am quite good enough to actually get paid or get published. Is it possible that I've not put everything into my writing because I'm afraid I'm not good enough?

Either way, once again I am making a commitment to my writing. November arrives in just over 14 hours, which means for the next month I will be writing a novel. Yes, I'm starting a new novel. This will be number four. Part of me says this is a futile effort. Writing a novel in a month does not a manuscript make. It will take hours and hours of editing and rewriting to even begin to have something that is ready to be sent out, and that will come after I've spent the entire month of November writing the darn thing. Part of me says this is the right step. At least I'll be writing again. Maybe this time, not only will I reach my 50K goal, but I will also reach the end of the novel.

After November, I will begin the ever present task of writing whatever I am going to use to apply to writing workshops next summer. I again plan on attending the same two I attended last year. Anyone who has any reason to give me anything between now and then might want to consider $$ since I'm not sure where I will come up with the $1300 to attend next year. I will get these things done, because I have done them in the past. This year though, I hope to continue afterwards. I hope to continue working towards a dream that is more than a dream, but more of a destination I hope to reach.

AWW Day 3

2010-08-05T02:39:00.000-04:00

Never have I ever... spewed beer out of my nose... twice in one night. Go ahead, those of you who know what game I'm playing, grab your drink, be it water, or coffee, or whatever, and take a sip, or a swallow, or a gulp. Here's my suggestion, don't ever play "Never have I ever..." with a group of writers. At least every other one had to have "clarification". It was a game of semantics, not a drinking game. It was beautiful.

There is a magic here that I don't believe could exist anywhere else. We are free, we are dangerous, we are the essence of ourselves here. It is inspiring and frightening at the same time.

AWW Day 2

2010-08-04T01:59:00.000-04:00

For the second night in a row, I have closed down the chapel. My Hindman friends, which there are now so many more, will know exactly what this means. For two nights, I have unplugged the lights on the chapel. This is monumental in my world. I have honestly never known time to move at this pace. My readers know what an issue time is for me. This is a beautiful thing.

My novel truly came home today. My novel was conceived here at Hindman, and in coming home it has found it's truth. I had my one-on-one conference with Silas House today. Twice he said that he didn't feel "qualified" to critique my novel because it is, in part, genre fiction. This comment hurt me, because I don't want to isolate my readers because I am writing genre fiction, and I feel that Silas is in the audience I want to write for. But, and this is an enormous BUT, he got it. All the things that "just didn't work" for my peers and the professionals at TMWW, worked for him. All these experimental things that I am trying to accomplish, and there are many, he got them. He understood them. He said to me, that he liked or that he loved the way that I did certain things, and it was those "things" that I was trying to do.

No, my manuscript is not perfect. It has problems, it has weaknesses, it has areas that need complete reconstruction, but he got it.

I have been validated.

I am an Appalachian Writer.

AWW Official Day 1

2010-08-03T01:42:00.001-04:00

Once again I am blown away. This is my year. This is the year that I will become the woman I am. I declared earlier this summer that this would be the summer of writing. While I wish that was the case, this has become the summer of discovering who I am.

Hindman is no exception to that rule. I have been to the Appalachian Writer's Workshop here at Hindman Settlement School before. I am not a newbie. But for the first time I am staying on campus this week instead of commuting in from Hazard. I don't believe that is the only difference. I believe there is a difference in me. I am finding within myself a woman who is strong, who is caring, who is funny and self sacrificing. There is within me a woman who is confidant, who is happy. There is a woman inside of me that is happy.

I like this woman; I want to get to know her. I am finding her now; I'm am finding her here.

There truly is a type of magic that happens in this place. I'm not sure I understand it. In fact, I'm certain I don't understand it. There is a beauty here that transcends beyond anything that I know. I am a writer. I cannot describe the feeling here. Words do not encompass the majesty of this place, this time, this community, this sense of being.

Appalachian Writer's Workshop

2010-08-01T20:37:00.000-04:00

I'm here. I know, I know...I have completly stopped blogging this summer. It's NOT been the summer of writing that it was supposed to be. I've had personal issues, family issues, but mostly motivation issues. As wonderful as TMWW was, it really killed my current novel for me. I hadn't realized up until that point how much of it REALLY wasn't working.

But, I'm here. I'm nestled in to the banks of Troublesome Creek surrounded by family (not of the blood kind, of the ink kind, and don't you dare walk up in this place and say blood is thicker than ink). I'm floating. I am a cliche. I'm happy, and smiling, and hugging old friends. I'm savoring the best tea on earth, and already I feel the need to write. I'm not going to though! I'm going to go upstairs and join the square dancing fun, and feel the community. I'm going to join hands with old friends and new friends, wanna-be's like myself and successful, working authors. We are going to celebrate that we have come together to practice this writing lifestyle that we have chosen to chase. We are going to laugh and spin and feel not only our own life blood coursing through our veins, but the life of those around us. And then...

tomorrow...we will write.

Moving forward...

2010-06-21T09:43:00.000-04:00

Tinker Mountain was a blast! I learned so much in such a short amount of time, that I am still reeling from the information that was shoved into my brain. I don't want to wait too long before going over all my notes, but for now, I need a moment to just sit an reflect. I have pages of notes, even more pages of handouts, and a suggested reading list that is frightening. My break won't even last an entire day, as I plan on getting started on something this afternoon, but at this point, I'm still overwhelmed.

So, my novel didn't go over very well when it was work-shopped. Fred told me that I write beautifully. He then proceeded to tell me that writing beautifully is similar to breathing beautifully, and that it alone won't get me anywhere. *sigh* He told me many nice things about my writing, that I have developed a constant, believable character (which is a huge feat considering the character he was speaking about is the physical embodiment of Death) who has a unique and believable voice. He said that I have a tremendous ability to create urgency on every page.

I believe the biggest thing I got out of the work-shopping process is that there are certain elements of my novel that I thought were working that just aren't. I need to establish a few things earlier than I have; I need to change the pacing between the scenes; and I need to establish a plausible element of possible change in my character. That is going to be huge and challenging. I mean, Death hasn't really changed over the course of the world, and now I'm going to propose that he does.

So, here is my current state... Firstly, I realized that I have written new parts that I have promptly lost. I believe they were done in long hand, but I'm not sure where they were done, and I sure haven't typed them in. Secondly, I know that I need to finish the novel before I go back and edit. I know this in my heart, but I've also realized that there are some problems in what I have written that aren't authentic, that make it darn near impossible for me to go forth from here, without contradicting what I've already written. Should I go back and change/cut/delete the parts that I've realized aren't right, or do I plow forward knowing that I can fix contradictions when I edit, and just focus on being true to my characters and my story? Or do I set this novel aside (ugh, I know....but I am going to AWW at the end of summer, and will be work-shopping this novel there as well), and work on something new. Perhaps, my YA novel and a new short story.

Something will be started today, preferably during nap-time, though I feel dishes and laundry will probably take precedence then.

And tomorrow is the big day...

2010-06-17T01:13:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the day my Advanced Novel class with Fred Leebron will be work-shopping my manuscript. The feelings whirling around in my mind are conflicting. I'm scared; I'm excited; I'm worried. Mostly, I'm excited. We are a great class. We are different ages, different races; we come from different backgrounds and carry with us different skills. I see novels in abstract pictures, that many of my classmates say they had not realized were even a part of the manuscripts they had written. One girl can spot a theme buried under miles of endless prose or stiff dialogue. There are others that can pinpoint an image, or dissect the pacing of a scene. Not to mention our fearless, blunt, funny, and sincere leader. Fred Leebron could teach a dog a better way to lick itself. OK, so that came out wrong, but I think he would appreciate the metaphor.

Also, tomorrow night, I will be doing a reading of my own work. What will I be reading you ask? Hell if I know. I'm thinking of reading a part of my young adult novel, but don't know what part, or how exactly it would go over. I also don't know if I should do a section from my girl narrator or my boy narrator. They, like my class, both have distinctive qualities that make them good. My boy is stronger than my girl, but then, that's how it's supposed to be, at least for my novel.

Once again, this week has flown by at an alarming rate. Time is such an issue for me. The concept of a minute completely alludes me. The concept of a week is no more real or graspable than imagining another solar system beyond the Milky Way. I think the movement of time may be a theme or image or motif or something in my novel. I can't wait to see what they have to say tomorrow.

Only four days left...

2010-06-15T08:51:00.000-04:00

So, my first day of Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop has occurred. It began with an excellent craft seminar on subtext. I don't think I really got the gist of the lecture, but I hope that by going back over what we covered I may understand better. I don't believe I have any subtext in my writing. I don't believe I can force subtext onto my writing, but hope, if I can find a small thread, I can develop it into something that works. While in the class, I did have some idea about how to develop at least a small thread into what has already been written.

Then, in the afternoon, I had my first class with Fred Leebron, Advanced Novel. Here are my notes from the first hour of class.

Please excuse the low quality picture; this was taken with my cell phone at the first break when I was stunned by all the new things I had to consider. The rest of the class only added to my new information, and I am more than excited to see what else I learn this week.

After class, before the evening readings, I had an awesome discussion with another of the students in my class. He had read my manuscript submission for the class (even though we aren't discussing mine until Thursday), and he had several questions. The best thing ever is that, in answering his questions, I had several new revelations about my novel. I completely understand things I didn't understand before. It was so odd, because when he asked me questions, the answers just came right out of my mouth even though I had no idea what I was saying, if that makes any sense. I didn't know that I knew those things about my characters. I now know how to get to the next part of my novel. I now know what happens basically all the way through until the very, very end.

According to Fred, I only need to know how to get to the next word. I know how to get to the next word now. There are only four days left, and I already feel as if I don't have enough time. My new, rather ambitious, goal is to get as far as I have imagined in the novel. I think it will be equal to as far as I've gotten so far. An additional 50K words in a week? I don't think so, but...

I only have to get to the very next word. :)

It all begins today...

2010-06-13T07:52:00.000-04:00

Well, school officially ended yesterday with graduation. *sniff sniff* I did pretty well and only teared up a few times. I am so proud of my darlings. For the most part, they worked very hard all year and have great plans for their futures. I had one who didn't want to let go, but really it was no surprise. That one particular student has been needy and clingy for a while now, and it has only gotten progressively worse as the end drew near. He will be fine with a busy summer and leaving for college in the fall. I really will miss many of them.

Today, I sign in and complete my registration for Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop. I am excited. I am also nervous. I've never felt like I belong when I've been at writer's workshops. I always get bogged down in a worrisome funk that I'm not good enough, that my writing isn't good enough, that my knowledge isn't extensive enough. I'm self conscious and think I'm going to make a fool of myself. I actually get so wrapped up in all of those emotions that I don't think I get as much out of the whole experience as I could.

I am determined that this will not happen this year. I seriously doubt that I will get my emotions under control enough to fully enjoy Tinker Mountain since this is my first year going there. I won't be familiar with the procedures, the place, anything. I'm not going to be hard on myself about being worried about that. However, I am determined to take in the full Hindman experience when I attend the Appalachian Writer's Workshop in August. I am definitely not going to get the Tuesday night funk which always strikes with a large dose of self loathing.

I'm sure I'll be posting some this week as the workshop progresses. I'm all a-flutter just thinking about this afternoon!

An ending and a beginning....

2010-06-08T21:33:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is the last day of school for students. I think it is quite possible that this was both the longest and shortest school year I have ever taught. My most challenging class ended up being my favorite. I think I learned more about being a teacher this year than at any other time in my life. One thing I've not learned, is how to be ready to leave on the last day! I have to attend on Thursday to do get signatures on things and finalize grades; however, if I am ready to leave, then I don't have to attend school on Friday giving that I will attend graduation on Saturday. Considering there is nothing short of a catastrophe that would keep me away from graduation, I would love to have Friday off work. That is not going to happen. There is no way I will have all my teacherly duties done and have my room cleaned and packed by end of day on Thursday. No matter what though, I am at the end. I have made it, the kids made it, and we are all moving on toward new beginnings.

This is going to be The Summer of Writing. I've been naming my summers since college. There was The Summer of Twirling Skirts, The Summer of School, The Summer of Get a Divorce, The Summer of Buy a House, and so forth. You get the idea. This is going to be The Summer of Writing. It all begins just 24 hours after graduation with check in at Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop. No, I am not ready. No, I have not decided which 20 pages I'm going to take with me. No, I have not printed off the manuscripts of the other participants and begun reading and commenting on them. It's OK. It will all get done.

The end of school is here. The beginning of The Summer of Writing is here.

Time...

2010-06-06T10:53:00.000-04:00

In college I realized that hours, days, weeks, and months were man made creations and didn't really exist. I decided that the passage of time was better measured by the movement of the sun and the passing of the seasons. It should be no surprise that I have been perpetually late since that moment in my life. Time can move both slowly or quickly. Time can seem to stop. Time can help you; time can hurt you.

There are three days of school left for the students, and all three of those are early release days. The students leave two hours early, and I have two hours to get things done. The next two days are teacher work days, with no students, and really very little to accomplish besides getting myself ready to leave for the summer. Granted, getting me ready to leave is no small task by any means, but it is all that I have to accomplish. Saturday afternoon is graduation (*sniff*). Then school is out for summer.

Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop starts on Sunday evening with registration, then starts full force Monday morning with a campus tour, computer training, and craft seminars. I know from past experience that the week will completely fly by. It will be done on Friday, and I will wonder where it went. I'm glad it is starting right at the end of school though; I will still be in a get up and go routine and won't be expecting to sleep, rest, eat, or otherwise become a lazy slob.

And the letter arrives....

2010-06-03T18:16:00.000-04:00

"This is to confirm that you have been accepted for the 33rd annual Appalachian Writers Workshop that will be held August 1 - August 6, 2010."

I stared at the orange lettering on the envelope from the mailbox all the way to the kitchen, and anyone with two toddlers knows that getting the two of them, plus me, plus the overloaded diaper bag and purse, and not the push scooter, or the outdoor rocking chair, or an armful of rocks in the door is quite a task in and of itself. I had to pee the entire one hour commute home from work, not to mention I wore a quite uncomfortable dress all day of the longest day of my teaching career. I stood in my kitchen while the almost 2 year old pulled a bag of hot dog buns off the table and began dispersing them in little pieces to himself, his 3 year old sister, and the cats, and stared at the envelope while the 3 year old proceeded to take off her clothes. Ahhh, the life of a mother.

My heart jumped into my throat as soon as I got to word nine. It took five or six attempts for me to read the rest of the first sentence. It then took at least three tries to read the rest of the letter because I kept coming back to that first sentence to see if it was real, to make sure I didn't read it incorrectly.

So the good news of the day is that 1) I do exist, and not in some parallel universe or the dream of some perverse stranger 2) I am going to TWO writer's workshops this summer and BOTH of them will be helping me work on my novel and 3) There are only four days of school left and three of them are early release for the kids.

I know it seems like an obvious statement to some, but to those of us who are neurotic it is a big deal to say: I just might very well live through this day.

No news is...

2010-06-02T19:24:00.000-04:00

OK, I'm beginning to get neurotic. I totally checked the mail as soon as I got home while the kids were still in the car. Nothing. I was disappointed, but not surprised. Mail from Southeastern Kentucky takes an unbelievable amount of time to get to Roanoke, Virginia. I was fine with it. OK, not really, but I was telling myself I was fine with it. Just another day, maybe two, then I'll get my letter. I was imagining the little orange, Hindman letterhead in my mind.

Then I see on Facebook that a friend got her acceptance today. Before you start harassing me about the speed variance of the United States Postal Service, let me tell you that she got her acceptance via email. Yes, I have checked my email (including SPAM folder) twice since I saw this. So, here is a little of how my thinking is going (think stream of consciousness here)...

Did I write my email incorrectly? They can send an acceptance email en-masse. Did I write my email on the application incorrectly? Did I remember to put the application in with the manuscript or did I just mail a stupid manuscript like an idiot? They mailed acceptances today, then will see if anyone can't come, and mail YOU-SUCK notifications on Friday. Did I even mail my application and manuscript? Was that a dream? Have I been to Hindman before? Have I been dreaming since.....oh hell....am I alive or am I simply existing in someone else's dream?

I have a full and complete existential crisis on my hands here.

June 1...

2010-06-01T19:56:00.000-04:00

Today is June 1st. Today is the day I'm supposed to find out whether I've been accepted to the Appalachian Writer's Workshop. Hypothetically, there is mail in my mailbox, and for now it is just going to sit there. I could say that I don't want to go out in the rain, or I could say that I don't want to face the rejection, but in reality, I don't want it to not be there. I don't want to walk out to the mailbox and not get any news.

I checked my email in case I had received notification that way. It didn't seem such a big deal for it to not be there, because they have never emailed the notifications of acceptance or denial. However, to make the long (OK, probably more like 15 yard) walk to the mailbox, only to realize I have to wait at least another day would be agonizing.

So typing that first part gave me the courage to make the long walk and check, and as predicted, the letter was not there. Somehow, not getting accepted to Hindman is worse than any other type of rejection. I've been turned down several times by lit mags and that didn't hurt as bad as the simple thought of not going to Hindman.

Hindman is more than a writer's workshop; Hindman is home. For the first time, I will be attending the Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop this summer. I am excited. I am more than excited, I am elated. However, it does not have the feeling of Hindman. Knowing that I will be working with published authors and fellow writer wanna-be's leaves me all a flutter inside. Hindman does more than give me flutters. Hindman makes me feel a kinship, a connection, a fellowship, an acceptance that I lack in my life.

So, tomorrow, I will again have to convince myself to make the lonesome walk to the mailbox. I will again open the latch and immediately close my eyes. I will steady my breath and peek through slitted eyes to see if my home has reached out a hand to accept me.

One week and counting...

2010-05-24T21:52:00.000-04:00

Several things are happening in approximately one week. Firstly, I should hear from the Appalachian Writer's Workshop about whether I was accepted. Secondly, I have to have my 20 pages ready for distribution for the Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop. (I will also hopefully have my state test scores for work as well). Time has been moving at an odd pace here lately as it is, and I don't even want to imagine how this week is going to go considering the things I have pending.

A writing deadline will make time race forward at a break neck pace. Seeing a date come hurdling at me through space will push words out of my brain through my fingers faster than anything else. At this point, since I really don't have to be writing, but editing, I'm hoping it will push corrections and restructuring ideas at me super quickly. Writing (or editing) toward an encroaching deadline will move a week by at a frightening pace.

Waiting to hear news always drags time out by it's tail at an interminable rate. The thought that I have to continue to agonize over the tremendously huge (OK, fairly small) error I found in my application manuscript is like a mosquito bite of the worst kind. Big, fat, swollen and itchy. I scratch at it until it is sore and whelped up the size of a golf ball.

This vortex is mind numbing. I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions.This is an odd purgatory that I will be relieved to escape.

My mind keeps coming back to the Young Adult novel I started at Hindman last year. I know I'm supposed to be working on Death Stories for both the editor and for Tinker Mountain. I know I have a fantasy novel I started five years ago, that has the potential to be breakout good, if I would ever get myself in gear and just finish it. But my mind keeps dragging back to those teenagers, trying to figure themselves out in a world that is forcing them to make choices beyond their age to make. Perhaps it is just my students (and their problems) forcing their way into my mind, making me think it is the characters. This has been the most challenging and rewarding school year I've ever taught. I will never, ever, forget my babies from this year. Working with seniors SUCKS! In eleven more school days they are going to leave me.

Work, work, work...

2010-05-19T17:22:00.002-04:00

So I have begun the restructuring/de-fluffing process. I think I can do this. I'm in a groove now. I know how things need to be in order to get the most impact. The prewritten sections are finally starting to fall into a place that is starting to make sense. I'm getting some ideas for what comes next. I might even be leaning toward an ending I just can't see yet. This feeling is good. No, this feeling is great.

I've not gotten my state test scores back at work. The editor has had the mini-manuscript for two days, and I've not heard a thing. I'm a week and a half away from hearing about AWW. All of these things should send me into a tizzy. And while I am more antsy than usual, I'm not in a crazy place consumed with worry and self doubt. I'm in a place where no news is good news, and things are moving forward at a good pace.

Cliff Jumping...

2010-05-18T17:20:00.000-04:00

OK, so this blog is not at all about cliff jumping, but I do feel as if I just took a flying leap off a daunting precipice and have no bungee cord or parachute. I decided I wanted to send something off to the interested editor while it was still fresh in his mind that he had spoken with his published author about my work. I mean really, he has a life, a family, a job, and is a working author himself. My friend seemed so excited about my novel (and she only read a small section) that I feel certain some of her excitement bled over into the conversation she had with her editor. I wanted to strike while the iron was hot.

So I decided to send the section I used as my application to AWW. I simply typed an email, attached the manuscript, and hit send. WHOOSH! EEEEeeeeeeeek! As if I didn't already feel like I was spinning through an open expanse of space with no restraint, that flight has suddenly adopted a spinning track that leaves me woozy and seasick. I feel as if I've never done anything this real in my life.

I am a big believer in serendipity. I believe it works hand in hand with karma and fate. These beliefs also go along with what I'm trying to accomplish in my novel. Happy accidents are not just for the canvas Bob Ross!

Deadlines...

2010-05-15T23:24:00.000-04:00

Deadlines are my sweet tea. I simply cannot function without them. I make my living motivating teenagers, which is no small task, and yet I absolutely cannot manage to motivate myself. With that said, I also find them daunting like most people.

I received my registration information from Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop at Hollins University. I have to have 20 pages ready for distribution to my teacher, Fred Leebron, and classmates. If I want to email it to the program director to forward to my classmates, I have to have it done by May 31st. That is two weeks from Monday. If I don't choose to take that path, or don't meet that deadline, then I need to have eight copies ready to hand out on the first night of June 13th.

I actually find this stimulating. I literally compiled my best sections into a somewhat workable manuscript to apply to the Appalachian Writer's Workshop. I obviously want to work on a different section for TMWW. So I either need to get real passionate real quick about a different section, or I need to get writing something new that I find irresistible.

In case I didn't have enough going on, I also have a Young Adult novel that I started last summer that I plan on working on this summer. I have accrued an assistant to help me get inside the head of a particular character and am excited about the project.

There are times I wish I weren't so motivated by stress. :-}

Putter, putter, putter...

2010-05-15T12:31:00.000-04:00

What do you do when you don't know the end of the novel? I never see a story in a full arch. I see stories as a concept, an idea, but never as a single cohesive unit. My idea is great, my concept new, exciting, and unusual. My story? Floundering. Puttering. Waiting for me to step up to the challenge and do it justice.

I believe I can do this...really, which is not how I usually feel. I am a constant self doubter, but I believe in this story. I believe in my ability to write this story. I believe in the future of this story as a novel in print. I simply need life to slow down just enough to give me the space to do it. I know this is a futile wish, but it is my wish all the same.

The wait....

2010-05-13T21:22:00.000-04:00

And so the waiting begins. The manuscript and application to the Appalachian Writers Workshop at Hindman Settlement School were mailed today, one day early I'd like to say. They are supposed to announce on June 1st who was accepted; however, I know from previous years' experience that they mail acceptance letters and they rarely arrive on the day. They did ask for email addresses this year, and I don't remember that from previous years, so perhaps they will be notifying us that way. Still, it will be a nagging little nugget in my head for the next nineteen days, YES I counted.

At least I have a few writing things to keep me busy while I wait. Firstly, I won a free signed copy of Marge Fulton's The Holler! Fun, twisted stuff! I definitely have only been reading stuff for school lately, and while that is fun in it's own way, it isn't as stimulating as I would like. Secondly, I need to be working on editing out the 200 pages of Death Stories and plotting out the end so I can send to the editor who is interested. This definitely takes precedence, but is an arduous process that I just couldn't face this evening (after taking an accidental elbow to the eye from a student). Thirdly, I have been accepted at Hollins University's Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop. I'll be taking the Advanced Novel class under Fred Leebron (my first choice of Advanced Short Story with Pinckney Benedict isn't being held). I need to edit up a section of the novel to work on there. That should be easy enough since I'm editing anyway. However, I'll also need something to read for the student readings and open mic night.

WHEW! I never thought this dream meant less work, just different work. However, I have always struggled with the fact that until this dream fully takes off in a planetary direction I have to work my job (which is a dab more strenuous and time consuming for 10 months than many jobs), plus attempt the whole mom and wife thing occasionally when the troops get restless, on top of working to make the dream come true. Stick on top of all those things that I have to write from SCRATCH two 180 day curriculums this summer. As a side note, I've been participating in a Biggest Loser competition at my job, and have recently moved up to the top five (and maybe even higher tomorrow at the weigh in) out of forty people losing 10% of my starting body weight.

So...on this day that I sent my baby sailing down the road toward acceptance or rejection, I am going to bed early. I'm going to retire to my covers with my ipod and some scary stories to boot!

Dreams, Clouds, Death and Words...

2010-05-08T12:22:00.000-04:00

So, I will be mailing off my application and manuscript to Hindman this week. I'm scared but confidant, if that is possible. There is still some trimming to be done, details to add, fluff to remove. All in all, I feel good about where I am, and where I'm going to be the first week of August.

This week I got some news that set me on a cloud floating toward a dream. There is someone, someone of importance, that might be interested in my novel. Have you ever had news so good that you are afraid someone might take it away from you? I was in a state of shock for a full 24 hours. I am still in a state of anxious joy.

They way I see it, this could go one of three ways. (Yes, I realize there are millions of endings, but these are the three on which I've chosen to focus.)

This editor will look at my novel, and say something to the effect of "Nice stuff, why don't you try x, y, and z to make it better. Good luck with that."
He will take a look at my novel, and say something to the effect of "Nice stuff. This isn't really what I'm looking for, but why don't you give my friend _____ a call. He may be interested."
He will take a look at my novel, and actually still be interested.

And this is why I am scared...All three of those options are phenomenal! I don't believe I've ever had a situation where all the outcomes are positive. There is truly nothing bad that can come of this situation. Option one seems the most plausible to me (forever the pessimist), and that is still GREAT! All it means is I'm not ready now, but I have made more than one good contact toward the path of becoming published when I am ready.

I am still not capable of putting into words the emotions rolling around in my head. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that 1. I am going to the Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop 2. I may be going to the Hindman Writer's Workshop and 3. There is a professional in the field of publishing that is willing to take a look at my work.

So, here I am, on a cloud, floating toward a dream, writing about death, and completely out of words.

10 days and FREAKING!!!

2010-05-04T18:12:00.000-04:00

I wanted to be early this year. I wanted to go to the post office, and mail that baby, and be relieved. It has to be postmarked in 10 days, and I'm terrified. Don't get me wrong. I feel good about the place where I am. I just have to edit and send. I just have to edit and send. I just.....you get the idea.

So, I have the best writing friend in the world. She, of course, will read and comment until her face is blue simply because I asked. She goads, she prods, she is phenomenal. Luckily, I have secured three additional readers to help me through the editing process. One is an avid reader and librarian. She is in my top three of most well read people I know. One is a published author in my current genre.

These three people all have very different perspectives. My writing friend knows every detail and can help me get the point I want across. She can catch inconsistencies that would show up later in the novel, even if they don't mess up the 30 page application manuscript. My librarian friend can tell me what she enjoyed, what she didn't, what she was confused by, and what stood out as a big WOW. She is my audience, and feedback from the audience is like gold. The published author friend has an experience I don't know. She has a knowledge base and a record of success of which I can only dream. She has insider ideas on how to make my HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL novel work.

Here's the kicker. I trust them all - GREATLY. However, I am hearing completely differing opinions. Let me begin by saying that I need to cut 14 pages. Sounds daunting, I know, but considering the fact that I am a MUCH better editor than I am writer, I don't see this as the issue. The first to respond gave tons of advice on one section and suggested cutting another section completely and sprinkling the information in other places. The second to respond gave advice on the section the other suggested cutting and suggested cutting the section the first gave tons of advice about.

If the third gives me her opinion now, I might explode. The good thing out of all of this? These people are giving me the confidence I need to do this, and really do it right. This is a good story. This could be a great story.

I will get this manuscript done. I will get accepted to Hindman. I will finish this novel. I will get to live this dream.

Fifteen and Fifteen

2010-04-29T22:18:00.000-04:00

Fifteen more days until the application manuscript has to be postmarked. Then fifteen more days after that until they announce who they are taking. Am I ready? No. Will I be? Yes.

My life is what it is. I do things the way I do. Things turn out for a reason. I find it ironic that I'm teaching what I am right now. Don't know if it's a help or a hindrance, but again... it is what it is.

I'll try to update more when things develop. Looking forward to working on some short stories and a YA novel.

Time is a bitter mistress...

2010-04-22T17:54:00.000-04:00

I'm really not sure where the time has gone. I'm really not sure what I've been doing that I've not managed to get any writing or blogging done. The time between now and when the application is due is flying by at a frantic pace. However, the time between when the application is due and when they inform me of whether I've been accepted will be interminable. In reality, the time is nearly the same and is actually shorter on the notification end.

I'm disillusioned. I wonder if I'm having my second existential crisis. I had one in college, and while I felt miraculously better when it was over, it had repercussions that have rebounded through the rest of my life, and not all positively. For example, in college I realized that time as we measure it, days, hours, months, doesn't actually exist. I realized that time is the waning and waxing of the moon and the turning of the seasons. I don't think I've been on time to an event since. Seriously.

It seems I can work really hard on only one thing at a time. I can do seventeen things half-assed, but only one well. So lately, I've been doing pretty well on my diet and exercise. I've also stayed completely on top of all my current grading. The first is supposed to give me more energy and less fat to haul around. The second is supposed to give me more time to work on the things I love, writing. However, it just doesn't seem to be happening.

I piece-mealed several sections together and added tons of notes to create what will, I believe, eventually be the first half of my application. I've been stuck ever since. There is something hanging in the distance, like a fog rising up to reveal the mossy forest behind. That forest is made up of trees, and leaves and branches and full of life brimming and buzzing. I can feel the buzz, but my eyes see nothing but the haze that hangs in the distance, close enough to be tangible, but so ethereal as to be holy, unsafe to touch.

Hmmmmmmmmm

2010-04-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday was phenomenally unproductive. Talked to a good writing buddy on the phone, and she had a wonderful suggestion to yesterday's conundrum. I tried. I really tried. Nothing came of it though. Today is my last day with a sitter until after the application to Hindman is due. The decision has to be made; the writing has to be done; the revision has to be started.

My friend made a good comment yesterday. We were discussing books that we have been reading that are good, but not great. Writing that we know we could eclipse, and yet those people are published and we are not. The difference between us she says, is that they FINISH! It's a novel concept (pun fully intended). All I have to do is not give up and finish. Then I need to not give up and finish on some short stories and submit, submit, submit.

Finish and do not give up. That is my mantra of the day. How that is going to progress me toward having a manuscript ready to submit to Hindman is yet to be seen, but it is my mantra all the same.

Just keep writing; Just keep writing; Just keep writing.

Progress...

2010-04-05T10:30:00.000-04:00

Spring Break is here! The sitter is keeping the kids for two days, so I have exactly that amount of "free" time to get progress made. I also plan to hit B&N a couple of nights this week to get more writing done. However, I am in such a conundrum.

Hindman accepts 30 pages to apply in novel. I have over 190 pages and have to choose 30. So the question arises, what 30? The first 30 are wrought with action but set in a larger city like the 'Noke where I live. There is another 30 pages section set in my childhood home, deep in the Appalachian mountains but filled with exposition and story progression. ARGH!

I am not a traditionalist when it comes to Appalachian literature. I feel what makes my writing Appalachian is that I am Appalachian. I believe that even if I write a fantasy novel it should qualify as AppLit because where I am from colors everything I do, especially the way I write with winding story lines wrought with details that apply but don't necessarily progress the story. I definitely don't write romanticized Appalachian stories.

So, I'm going to write. I'm going to let my mind percolate on the decision for a few hours, no more than a day, and write. Then when the answer comes to me, or is magically suggested by a comment or two from a caring friend, I will start perfecting whatever section I am going to use to apply.

Happy writing and happy Spring Break!

Back in action, but where do I go from here?

2010-03-23T20:53:00.000-04:00

So the computer is back. I would love to say that it is back to its old self, but alas, that is not the case. I have access to the internet, and my word processor, but it is painfully slow and every thing that causes the screen to move, such as scrolling or simply typing to move to the next line, causes the entire screen to move line by line by pixels. Ahhhh, such is life I suppose.

My current predicament is this: manuscript submissions for Hindman are due May 14. That is exactly 52 days away. I have not worked on the novel in a month. Initially, state testing at school was the problem. Then my computer promptly crashed. Now, I'm not sure how to proceed.

My initial thought is that I have to finish the entire manuscript before I can begin editing anything. There are several problems with that theory. Firstly, I began "editing" of a sort when I began my reconstruction. Also, there is the problem that I am not sure I can both finish the entire novel and perfect a section for my application in the 52 days I have available.

This leads me to my second theory. In the novel category, I can submit up to 30 pages of my manuscript. Therefore, I should obviously spend the next seven and a half weeks choosing and perfecting my 30 pages. I have several issues with this theory. Firstly, once I start editing, all creative process stops. I am a great story teller and a phenomenal editor; I am not very skilled at the actual creative process of birthing a story. In my prior novel, which remains unfinished, as soon as I started editing, I never wrote another word. I really don't want that to happen to this story. Also, while I have a basic working outline which gets me close to the end of my story, I honestly believe that the story exists as an entity and tells itself through me via the words and actions of my characters. Therefore, if I stop the creative process before the story is told, perfecting a single section is really no import. Something may happen at the end that radically affects, and therefore changes, events in the beginning or middle.

This happens often in my short stories. However, unlike a novel, short stories are inherently short. I rarely lose passion or creative juices before the story reaches its arch. Once I get to the end and the full story finally becomes clear, the first step of editing is changing the events and details throughout the story to match the final piece that became clear in the process of finishing. If I don't finish before I perfect the section for Hindman, what I am sending, and consequently, if accepted, what I would be workshopping, may not even fit with the final arch of the novel. What do I gain by working and reworking, then workshopping a section that may have to be radically different once I finish?

So, here is my current idea. I will divide my time in half and work toward both means. I will spend the first 26 days working to complete my novel. If I work at the original NANO pace, I will have close to another 50 thousand words in that time. Then I will spend the next 25 days selecting and perfecting a 30 page section to apply to Hindman. My hope is that the first 25 days will get me close enough to the end that if something is going to change significantly, it will have already happened.

Please, please, please give me your thoughts. Whether you are my best friend at work, my family, or a random internet by passer please let me know if you think my current idea is plausible or if you have a better idea. <3

One step forward, one step back...

2010-03-06T14:04:00.001-05:00

So I have good news, and I have bad news. Good news first. I was currently contracted to be a freelace writer for Examiner.com! I am the Roanoke, Virginia Working Mom columnist. You can check out my first article here: Roanoke Working Moms. I am excited by the prospect of gaining writing credit/experience/practice/exposure. The aspect that I might make a dab of money doing so is simply icing on the cake.

The bad news is that my computer is unsalvagable in its current state. I did have the forethought to move my novel to my flashdrive, but that is about it. I have a computer friend who is willing to wipe my hard drive clean and reinstall my operating system, but unfortunately, I cannot find my recovery disk. This means I am at a standstill. My husband did just buy a laptop for himself; however, he doesn't have the word processing program I was using to write the novel. So, there will be some discussion of where to go from here, and I will update as soon as I can. I have a little over a month to finish the novel, or at least get a 30 page section ready to apply to the Hindman Workshop. As soon as I get that done, I need to be either writing a new short story or dusting off an old one for the Tinker Mountain Writer's Workshop. I'm trying to keep my head up, my thoughts forward-facing, and trying to not get overwhelmed. We'll see how that goes!

March here I come...

2010-02-27T15:59:00.000-05:00

So my computer is dying, and doing so at a pace so rapid I can't even begin to save things before it crashes again. I can't even decide where to go from here. I pay all the bills on the computer. I create lesson plans and enter grades on the computer. Let's not forget that ever lofty dream of writing my novel and short stories on this computer. Really...? I truly have no words to describe the whirlwind of emotions broiling inside me.

So, though my posts have not been quite as regular as I would like, I imagine things will get worse before they get better. With the state testing taking place on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm hoping things will calm down at school, and I'll get re-inspired to finish the novel. Doing so without a computer may be difficult, but then it never was easy to begin with.

Send positive computer vibes in my direction and if the darn thing must die, then at least I won't have to try to figure out how to spend my tax refund.

Multi-tasking double time...

2010-02-09T16:19:00.000-05:00

It is currently the ninth of February, and I have been to school once. Snow, snow, snow. Don't get me wrong, I love snow days as much as the next teacher or student, but really...I have things that need to be accomplished at my job. Not to mention, I'm not really cut out for the whole stay-at-home mom thing. That's just not my style, and the kids know it. I'm ready to go back to school (at least for a couple of days).

With that said, I can say that I have accomplished quite a bit on my novel and feel good about where I am. I received some very constructive criticism from a good writing friend about my novel so far. She was able to both confirm some of my suspicions on what was and wasn't working as well as bring to the light some themes I hadn't even realized I was including. Between her comments and my recent lack of sleep episode, I'm back on track towards accomplishing a complete first draft.

I made a short sentence style outline of everything that has happened so far and moved several things around. It worries me a bit that I moved my major conflict farther into the novel, but I have my reasons for this. Since my character isn't exactly human, I need to spend some time introducing him, his way of life, and his unusual circumstances. The great part of this outline is that it enabled me to finally get past the place where I have been since December.

I've not been writing anything new yet, I'm restructuring what I have so far. While this could have been done in a quick cut and paste format, instead I am going back and retyping it all from the beginning and moving the parts as I go. I hate to say that I am doing a little revision in the process, but it is peripheral, typos mostly. I will soon be to the place where I initially got stuck, and I feel confident that when I get there, I will be able to just continuing writing. That is a good feeling.

As per the snow, while I am writing I am also being attacked by a dinosaur and helping a fairy princess pirouette. Earlier, I worked on my outline while playing fetch and answering a million questions about the finer points of Thumbelina. I cooked lunch, thawed dinner, and reworked a section of dialogue yesterday. I switched out the laundry and read a chapter on incorporating surprises into a novel.

So, I'm working on the simple outline and restructuring at the same time. Soon I will be working on the simple outline and writing at the same time. I believe as long as I keep the outline ahead of my work I will be fine.

Tentative goal: Have a complete first draft by April 1.

Where to go from here

2010-02-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

So, you may be thinking I've given up, and I guess in a small way I have. I've given up on my plan, my goals, not my writing. Things got a little crazy at work, at home, in general. Then a few nights ago after several days being snowed in with the kids and surviving a nasty stomach bug that made the rounds of the entire house, I found myself completely unable to sleep.

My novel was running in circles in my head. I could hear my characters talking to each other, themselves. A weird narrative poem started forming in my mind, and I absolutely couldn't sleep. I would open my eyes, purposefully get my mind focused on something besides my novel, then close my eyes. Almost immediately, the story would force itself back into my thoughts leaving me tossing and turning and pondering next moves.

I went downstairs, typed up the two stanzas of the narrative poem, and went back to bed. Initially, I laid there while a third stanza worked itself out, then abruptly fell asleep at last. The next day, I was all inspired to get back to work on the novel. I re-read some chapters in a few books on different aspects of how to write a novel. I dug out an old novel writing workbook, and decided to do some of the pre-planning work for my novel that is already in progress. I did a little internet research for some peripheral background details on aspects that will make a difference in the novel, but not really show up. I even realized a few problems I have that are either holding me back from finishing or in the least, making it difficult to get going again.

I have no idea how to plot, plan, or any other type of before work on a novel. I can't do this on short stories either. I get an image, an idea, a character, a phrase, and I build a story from there. I'm not even sure I even write stories. I believe I write in-depth character sketches with intense personal stakes and internal tension. However, there is no real plot. There is no story arch. There is definitely no climax, resolution, or any other form of an ending.

I have read book after book after book about novel writing. I've purchased workbooks that provide formulaic worksheets, broad creative worksheets, outlining suggestions, outlining outlines. I have no idea how to follow those. I have no idea how to create something out of nothing except by actually writing, and when I do that, I get sketches, I don't get stories or novels. I'm frustrated but energized.

So for now, there will be no vocabulary practice, no writing exercises, no unnecessary requirements for how often I will blog. I'm going to try to figure out what comes next. I'm going to attempt some basic prewriting work, perhaps some plotting, maybe some outlining. Eventually, sooner rather than later, I will get to a point where what comes next is obvious and I will move forward.

There is the potential that I will be attending six weeks of writing workshops this summer. Two of the weeks are fiction and are paid for by me. Four of the weeks are about being a writing instructor and come with a stipend, graduate credit, and re-certification points.

This is where I am...

Moving right along...

2010-01-16T21:47:00.000-05:00

Obviously, I am not going to get in my five blogs for this week that were my goal. Though I could do extra vocabulary and writing exercises and get in the goal, I'm not going to. I'm not going to be discouraged though. If I could reach the goals immediately, then they wouldn't be goals. So, I'm going to keep working and keep my head up.

I've been working on a short for The First Line literary magazine. I'm inspired. I think I've got a good premise going for this story, and now all I have to do is finish it. The idea came from one of the writing exercises I did this week. That makes me happy. That makes me feel like I am moving right along in the right direction. This is another reason why I refuse to be discouraged by not reaching my goal this week. I'll keep working and meet them one at a time when the time is right.

The only conundrum at the moment is whether I should take my time and work this story out word at a time or if I should Dr. Wicked it. Part of me says I should take my time simply because I don't have much time, fifteen days to be exact. I need to get it down, get it down good, and turn it in. However, I know me. I tend to agonize over every word. If I continue on this path, I may not get it finished in time. If I Dr. Wicked the story it is fairly certain I will finish, and finish quickly. Then I'll just have to revise. I've long believed I'm a much better editor than I am a writer. Let me know your thoughts on the matter.

So no vocabulary, no writing exercise. Instead, I'm just going to go write. My short term goal is to finish this story and submit it on time. Then I will work on finishing the novel. Keep me in your writing thoughts.

A quickie....

2010-01-14T20:18:00.000-05:00

So here we are, at the tell-tale exam time, when all things are supposed to flow smoothly and give me plenty of time to write. Tonight will be a quickie so that I can make the most of that writing time.

Word of the day: panacea Nina was scooping dirt from the ravine with her bare hands and rubbing down her legs. Once she was sufficiently covered she looked down and gave a deep sigh. Being surrounded quite literally by the Earth that was her power was a panacea for all her problems.

I would just like to say, that the vocabulary practice I am doing doesn't seem to be helping my writing at all. I have a phenomenal reading vocabulary and a quite impressive speaking vocabulary. What I am unsure of how to do is incorporate either of those into my writing. Perhaps that is more of a revision exercise instead of a writing exercise. Let me know your thoughts.

Writing Exercise #14 from The Write Brain Workbook:

"If I could stop being Death, I would." The words came out quickly, but I know she heard and understood.

Nina was sitting in the dirt at the bottom of the porch steps. Her fingers pulled at the tuft of weeds that had managed not to get trampled. Under the full moon her hair glowed. She rubbed her feet in the dust and leaned over to intertwine her fingers in the grass while she made me wait for her response.

I was trying to make her mad. I wanted her to jump up and yell at me. Tell me I didn't have a choice and I needed to simply accept my lot. I needed some engagement; I wanted to feel anger rushing past my temples. But Nina wouldn't take my bait. She was soothing herself with the earth and her response, if she even gave one, would be passive and peaceful. I stubbed my cigarette out in the flower pot and went back in the cabin pulling the door gently behind me.

The thing about goals is...

2010-01-12T19:31:00.001-05:00

When am I ever going to learn? Setting goals does little to motivate me. I cannot succeed for success' sake, and I am just as unlikely to succeed for the sheer sake of not disappointing myself. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I don't let someone else down, but seem completely unable to do this for myself. While this makes me a good employee, it doesn't make me good to myself.

I keep telling myself if I can just make it to exams then everything will be fine. Exams are easier to grade. The sencond nine weeks will be over; the first semester will be over. I'm all about fresh starts. I have promised myself that I will go easier on myself for the second semester, so that I have less to grade. I will be more productive in my time at school, so that I have less school work to bring home.

That time is almost here. Tomorrow is the last day of classes for this semester. Thursday is the first day of exams. Exams are also a good thing, because I have the two hours it takes the students to complete the exams to work on grading. I just have to make it until tomorrow.

Then I can write. And write, and write, and write.

But reality hit me hard today. I have just over 20 class days until my 11th graders have to take the Writing SOL test. Divide that in half because we are on a block schedule, and I have just over 10 more class days until I am held responsible by their test scores. Six weeks. Then, there is another SOL test covering reading and research in March.

I have to make time for me to follow this dream. I have to make this dream a priority. If I want my life to be what I want, if I want to have control of my schedule, my income, if I want to be happy, I have to do this.

Word of the day: One of the worst things about this life is the constant feeling of torpor. I feel so few emotions, and even those are on the surface. The shiny, little details of daily life slip by completely unseen, undetected, unfelt by my senses. It is only in my work that I experience the emotional fulfillment people seem to get from every exchange. (I would just like to clarify that this sentence is from the voice of my character not a reflection of the despondent feelings I have right now)

New year, New goals

2010-01-10T12:23:00.001-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Ok, so I'm ten days late. Those of you that know me aren't surprised. Those of you who don't will learn I'm always running behind. That statement assumes I have a following of which I am not aware; it helps boost my confidence, so let's keep assuming. I survived a way too short break from school which included a visit to Kentucky and a visit from NOVA. It was great spending time with family, meeting my brand new nephew, and doing some reading for entertainment. Now, the novelty has worn off, and I am officially in panic mode.

I didn't accomplish my goal of finishing the novel in December. Seriously, what was I thinking? I've decided that 2010 will be the year of no regrets, so I'm just going to establish new writing goals and new life goals and move forward. So, here we go. As for writing, I'm going to try to make my goals attainable yet challenging, specific yet vague, and entertaining yet laborious. Here they are, and please comment as to whether you believe I have accomplished all the adverbs in the previous sentence.

I am going to create five blog entries a week.
I am going to complete three writing exercises a week.
I am going to incorporate three vocabulary words a week.
I am going to write short stories for three of the four "First Line" submission dates.
I am going to complete the first draft of my novel by April 1, 2010.
I am going to apply to attend the Hindman Settlement School Appalachian Writer's Workshop in August 2010.
I am going to draft, revise, and submit at least one short story to a publication
I am going to outline and perhaps continue writing on my fantasy novel, with hopes of finishing it this year.

Whew! That is quite an agenda I've set for myself. I've tried to give myself some wiggle room while still challenging myself to accomplish a good amount of writing this year. I'm sure there will be weeks I don't succeed; however, I feel I have set good goals. Without further ado, here I go.

I'm going to count Sunday as the beginning of the week instead of the end. This blog entry will count as one for this week, and here is the result of a writing exercise, which will count as one of my three for this week.

Writing Exercise #10 from The Write Brain Workbook:

Just like the little red caboose said, "I think I can; I think I can." Upstairs lived a little old man who used this mantra every time he returned from his bi-weekly trip to the mailbox three flights below his apartment. He chugged and puffed like an old steam engine, and got slower with every flight. Right across the hall from him lived an overly ambitious, recent college graduate. One would think she would pick up the mail for her elderly neighbor, but I'm sure the thought never crossed her mind. She was too busy losing weight, gaining recommendations, building networks, and tearing down gender roles to notice those around her. Left-wing activists resided in the third apartment on that floor. The two of them were always putting flyers on the rest of our doors to inform us of the evils being done to us of which we must be unaware. Down the hall from me was a quiet, thirty-something accountant. We made a motley crew, but together we changed the bustling town of Midhaven forever.

I feel a short story brewing, and I'm off center.

2009-12-16T20:27:00.000-05:00

Wow. It's been eight whole days since I've even remembered that I have a blog. The end of the week was exhausting; the weekend was a storm of unproductive activity; the beginning of this week was crisis packed on top of crisis (not for me personally, but I was related to the incidents.). I can't believe I was foolish enough to even think that I would do any writing during this time. I do still occasionally think about my novel, but I know it is going to be hard to get back to it. I'm in that horrible place where I want it to be done but am not sure what to do next.

I do feel a short story brewing though. It is a weird feeling. I actually wonder how many stories I've lost because it took me so long to even realize what this feeling is. In the past, I would get this feeling, this very feeling that is dancing away inside me right now, and would be irritated by it, and frustrated by it, and would just wait it out. I would wait and complain about it until the feeling went away, then be relieved when it did. I wonder if those stories would have been any good.

Now there is a story brewing, and I recognize the feeling. I know it is in there, hidden somewhere in my brain, and is piecing itself together so that when it is ready it will let me know. It is an odd feeling--sort of like ants under my skin in the front of my brain and in my fingers. It's all itchy and scratchy and feels like static electricity jolting around my veins. It truly makes me wonder if other writers, if I dare to consider myself such, have an actual physical feeling with their writing. I honestly have this jittery ambiance inside of my head and hands that I know now will manifest as a story.

Someone told me today that I was off center. Though I'm quite sure the lady did not mean it nicely, I find it to be a fairly accurate portrayal of what I thought was an obvious fact. I think I like that description of my quirkiness and am going to embrace the fact that I am off center.

No vocabulary because I'm exhausted, thoroughly exhausted. My new plan is to create a new plan either in the last week of this year or the first week of the new year. It will include reachable weekly goals, monthly goals, periodic goals, and a time table. There may not be much for the next week or so, but by golly, watch out in 2010.

Adjustment

2009-12-08T20:09:00.000-05:00

So obviously the seven month plan was a bit over enthusiastic. Either that, or I am just supremely unable to manage my time. Weekends are spent buying presents and otherwise preparing for a holiday I find nothing but stressful. I am probably the least joyful person you know (or don't know for that matter). I just really don't enjoy much about this time of year, except the occasionally snow day from school.

I found that the little thoughts of my story trip through my mind less frequently now. This is more reason than any to keep writing, to keep working, to keep pushing forward. However, my husband's job is working him to death. He is currently on his way home from a 13 hour shift. Which means I spent my entire evening up to this point entertaining two toddlers, feeding two toddlers, cleaning two toddlers, and putting one toddler to bed. I actually can't believe I remembered to sit and write this. I now have to grade an inordinate amount of papers. Part of the reason I'm behind is just because that is how I roll. Another reason I'm behind is because there are entirely too many unusual things going on at school right now, and I never can manage to spend my planning period actually doing my work. Instead, I spend my planning period every day dealing with someone else's issues. Sometimes I think I'm too nice. Other times, I think I'm not nearly as nice as I should be.

My current plan is 1) to survive the rest of the work week and do everything possible to get caught up 2) promise myself that if I get a snow cancellation or delay that I will use the time to be productive at something, anything and 3) rework my seven month plan to accommodate a crazy December, but still have specific goals in mind.

Word of the day: fatuous. The rest of the week went by uneventfully, and I nearly to succumb to the fatuous thought that I would complete my visit with Nina and return home with my entire psyche intact.

Really?

2009-12-03T22:04:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what I was thinking. Why on earth did I think I could continue writing when I don't have the positive pressure of NaNo, and I do have the negative pressure of holidays, school work, and hubby's crappy job? The story is slowly, not so slowly, slipping away. I know the very next thing that happens, but that is all. I have to get my main character out of the place where he is, I have to develop the antagonist as just that and not just another guy, I unfortunately have to bring the romantic interest back in, and I still have to hope that when I get to the end I'll know what to do and how to do. The longer I wait to get back at it, I feel the less likely that it will happen. It's not going to happen tonight because I took care of kids, I fed kids, I graded 76 tests (that were 13 pages each), and now I'm thinking about my writing, because honestly, that is all I can do right now. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.

Word of the day: abeyance. She had been this way before. I've seen her go for days with no sleep, wandering the side of the mountain, eating little, speaking none. Whenever she experienced senseless death she threw herself into the life that was the earth, her mountain. She wouldn't even take a small abeyance from the movement and essence of the world. Even when I snuck one of her herbal soporifics into her morning tea, she refused to stop traipsing about the countryside.

Chugga Chugga Choo Choo

2009-12-02T22:09:00.000-05:00

I really wish that NaNo was in a different month besides November. I understand why the summer months are the best overall though I believe they would be best for me. Why not January? There are 31 days, you've spent all your money at Christmas, the weather is cold and cruddy. What else is there to do besides write a novel? Anyway, now that NaNo is over, I'm having a hard time getting myself back to my novel. I can feel the characters slowly slipping out of my grip. I have a ton of school work to accomplish tonight, so my goal is to write tomorrow night. I want to get a good three to four thousand words tomorrow night, and then work on it a bunch this weekend.

Word of the day: rusticate. Going to stay with Nina was making the decision to rusticate. She refused to join the rest of the world when it came to technology, denying all aspects of modern life except basic electricity and a phone. I wouldn't be surprised to discover she dug the old well herself. Even Thoreau would be proud.

December and 31 days

2009-12-01T22:10:00.000-05:00

Before the craziness that is NaNo, I was writing on the blog every day. I was consciously making a choice every single day to do something toward my writing. Then in November, I managed to write 50,000 words in less than 30 days. Even if I didn't do something every single day, I accomplished something major. I am very happy with what I accomplished. I am actually happy with the arch the story was beginning take. My characters were beginning to speak for themselves.

But now it is December, the worst month for trying to accomplish anything (the second worst month being November). As NaNo started coming to a close, and I realized I was going to make it, I began saying that I wanted to complete the manuscript in December. I formulated an intricate plan. December - finish my novel manuscript. January - work on a collaborative short story with a writing buddy. February - begin novel edit and revise. March - work on writer's conference submission and begin short story and continue novel edit and revise. April - revise and edit short story and continue/complete novel edit and revise. May - submit short story and apply for writer's conference. June - begin short story and perhaps continue to edit revise novel.

That is a seven month plan. It is a scary plan. I even feel that I have left myself some wiggle room. I believe I have set feasible goals. Now, I just have to take action. My first step will be to get back to writing in this very blog every day and go back to my vocabulary workouts. My second step will be to work on my novel at least once every three days. Step three will be to survive the holidays. :) I am not a fan of holidays, and this major one coming is as much my least favorite as it is the most favorite for the majority of people.

Word of the day: intrepid. I wish I could say I had an intrepid demeanor when I went to stay with Nina. I wish I could say I had no doubts or fears, but that would be a lie. I was dreading the time with her, and I feared what would become of me after spending an entire week in her home.

and the winner is...

2009-11-28T21:02:00.000-05:00

I DID IT!!!

45,591 and pushing...

2009-11-28T12:47:00.000-05:00

I have so little left to go, I finally have realized that I can do it. I can write 5K in a day, though I'm not sure that I can on this day. The only disconcerting factor is that I will not be finished with the novel. My secondary goal, beyond the 50K in November which I am going to reach, is to have the entire manuscript finished in December. If I can write 50K in a month, then I can surely finish in December. I'm not sure 100K is enough to encompass the entire story, but I've noticed that as I get here to the end, and much of the exposition and introduction of characters is through that the story is beginning to move much faster. Perhaps, I'll catch my stride and be able to find the end in December.

It has been a fun and productive Thanksgiving week. I wrote well over 2K yesterday alone. I know that the editing process is going to be daunting, but I did go back a re-read my favorite scene so far (yes, I know that is a big no-no) and found that it isn't as bad as I feared it would be. Notice I went back and read my favorite scene so far and not the one where my annoying romantic interest drones on about the state of commercialism in our society for 40 pages. Lucky for me, I have a couple of good friends who have offered to help in the editing process. They will have fun when they see that I tend to get an adverb stuck in my head and use it over and over for several pages before discovering a new one. Ah, such is the life.

Hope everyone has had wonderful time with food, family, and friends and has remembered everything for which you are thankful.

30K and counting

2009-11-22T19:27:00.000-05:00

Friday and Saturday were few if no word days. Friday I was simply glad to get through quite possibly the longest week I've ever had at my job. Saturday was an all day Mommy and two toddler day. Hubby had to work in the morning then help and friend and go hunting in the afternoon. He got home just after kiddo bedtime, and we both fell asleep soon after. I didn't even get to tell him about my exciting afternoon.

While at the bookstore, my precocious two year old decided to take the book a friend had lent me out of my purse. She also decided to lay it down and not tell me about it. I realized as we were about to check out what had happened. We were in a book store, an enormous, national chain, thousands upon thousands of books, book store and she decided to lay down a perfectly new book that had already been purchased from another place. I truly thought I would lose my mind! I enlisted the help of a young clerk who truly thought I had lost my mind. I was running up and down every aisle we had graced looking on all the lower shelves for my friend's book, all the time mumbling to myself. "In a book store. You laid my book down in a (insert expletive of your choice here) book store!" We found the book, thank goodness, and they believed me, perhaps because of the crazed look in my eyes, that it was mine and that I did not need to pay for it.

Anyway, today, despite a computer glitch that erased around 600 words, I've written almost 5000. I hit the 30 thousand mark and am chugging right along. The only bad realization is that I am going to get to 50 thousand, and I won't be anywhere near done. That is ok though. Hopefully, I will just keep writing and have a complete draft by the end of the year. That is my goal right now. Since I've realized that I can definitely reach the 50K mark (hopefully within the 30 days of November), I now just want to reach the end. I just want to write an entire novel. Things have already started going in interesting directions. I'm starting to get into the swing of my characters, and they are finally starting to communicate with me in a way that makes sense.

No vocabulary until the writing is done. It may be a bad decision, but it is my decision all the same. Happy Turkey Week!

Why November?

2009-11-19T19:32:00.000-05:00

I really have to wonder why NaNo is in November. Firstly, there are months with 31 days. Yes, one more day would be really nice. There are also months that don't have MAJOR travel holidays right at the end when the word count crunch is on. I mean really, wouldn't this be better/easier/productiver (aiming for parallelism here) if it took place, in say June? July? August? September? Basically any month other than November or December? Or am I just making excuses?

Hubby watched the kids on Saturday, and I got many words written. I was nearly caught up. Then Sunday and school work, then Monday and the back lash from Friday's bad day, then Tuesday and the continuation of Friday and Monday plus company for a few hours, then Wednesday. I've barely written since Saturday, maybe 750 words. The last sentence I wrote last night makes absolutely no sense at all, and I'm not sure if that was from me being totally sleep deprived and dozing off at the keyboard, or if it was helped along by the adult beverage I was enjoying. This is not my editor talking...you be the judge. This is the last sentence I wrote last night before going to bed.

The store shifted sideways and again I felt ripped in two by the desires of the death versus the desires of my heart to seek out the store and the place and discussing what was going on with whatever names he wanted to quote this week.

That makes no sense, right? I actually understand it, and it fits with my story up until "seek out the store". After that...complete nonsense I believe. Part of me wants to know what was going through my mind when I typed that. Perhaps there is a story line there and it just couldn't get out of my head. Or perhaps I was out of my head. :)

Well, it's kid bed time, so I'm off to get them where they go. Then a shower, then write, write, write, write, write!

It's nearly been a week

2009-11-15T14:06:00.000-05:00

And a really long week at that. My Friday was quite possibly the longest day I've ever had at my current job. It was awful. Then I had company for just under 24 hours. Pleasant, fun company, but company nonetheless, so I got no writing accomplished over the last couple of days. I'm behind. Way behind. Over 5000 words behind. Earlier, I got a few moments during nap time to hack out a few words. I started ok, then I decided that my mind would work faster if I closed my eyes and focused on seeing what I was typing. The next thing I knew, I was waking up to the sounds of my little man waking up from his nap. ARGH!

I still want to do this. I finished a horrible scene that drug itself out over 40 pages. I know why it was so hard and why it was so long and I finally wrote that character out of the scene and ended it. I was happy that I could get away from her and get back to the killing. However, about three pages into the new section and the stupid witch showed up again! She made a quick exit this time (in less than half a page) but I believe that is only because my protagonist didn't speak to her. I am very angry with her for popping back up! She is an important character, but she slows me down, she talks too much, and she won't let things go. Her initial scene was 40 pages long!

I'm not really sure why I'm so irritated. Her quick presence in the scene I'm working on actually adds a whole new depth to the story. And depth is definitely something I've been missing as of late. I just knew that continuing to write about her was dragging out too long and she was irritating me. My protagonist wouldn't get away from her and she makes for slow conversation and low word counts. I guess I should just be glad she made a quick if not graceful exit this time.

Well back to the grindstone. No vocabulary yet again because husband has agreed to watch both kids outside for two hours if I promise to spend the time writing. That is a pretty sweet deal. I shouldn't have spent some of it doing this, but I just wanted to acknowledge that I have been working every day, or nearly every day, and I'm inspired that I will make it this year.

Plugging along...

2009-11-09T22:48:00.000-05:00

I've been writing as much as my energy depleted body will allow. I'm still about 4000 words behind the daily word count, but I'm continuing to plug along. Not much more than this tonight, because I want to try to get another 800 or so words in for this evening before retiring. I keep telling myself that if I write just a few more words than the daily count required for each day, I will eventually catch up. Mathematically I know that principle is sound. As per writing it and living it, well that is another issue.

No vocabulary practice today simply because I want to go write and go to bed. I know I shouldn't do this though becuase a couple of my vocabulary practice sentences have made their way into my novel in some form or fashion. However, the bed is calling.

Happy reading; happy writing; happy Monday!

Friday night football...

2009-11-07T20:59:00.000-05:00

So, I'm 4215 words behind. I know it is not impossible to get caught up, but it does seem like a daunting task. It doesn't help any that my head feels like it's been over inflated and every bone in my body aches. I've been dosing up on herbal remedies and extremely high quantities of vitamin C. Hopefully I can kick this in the butt before it does exactly that to me.

I didn't blog or write last night because I went to a Friday night high school football game. I go to as many home games as I can. The boys really appreciate it on Monday morning when they find out their English teacher was there. Cheerleaders, band members, and bystanders all seem to look at me different when they see me at the game. Kids who will barely make eye contact in class want to introduce me to their parents and girl/boy friends who attend other schools. It is all very surreal.

The game was nice. They boys did great and are in the playoffs. The band sounded good even though it was way too cold to keep horns in tune. I spent a lot of time standing on the track in the endzone watching people. Watching how they interact with each other, how they avoid each other, how they ignore each other, how they observe each other.

I realized two things: I don't watch the world like an observer, and I don't listen often enough. I believe if I spend more time doing both of these things it will help my writing a great deal. So, that is the habit I'm going to try to adopt. Stop, watch, and listen.

Word(s) of the day: furtive & garble. I sent the bartender to refill her drink with the message that she looked beautiful and contemplative and with the promise of a big tip if he didn't reveal my identity. It was a furtive gesture, but I wanted to see how she would react to a gentleman's complement before I took the chance. I believe the ignorant oaf garbled the message though, because she looked more taken aback than flattered.

Tired, so tired...

2009-11-05T22:04:00.000-05:00

I fell asleep with my computer in my lap last night. I was about 100 words short on my word count and I was asleep, curled up in a coach chair with a computer in my lap. So I went to bed. I barely woke up in time to get a quiz typed for my kids today, and was about five minutes late for work. This whole NaNo thing is going well, probably the best it's ever gone. I have to wonder if I'm not slowly falling down the rabbit hole though.

I am exhausted; it is 9:23, and I've not written yet. Part of me just says to go to bed and get the rest I need. That part also honestly believe that I can get caught up this weekend. Another part of me knows that once I get very behind, I never get caught up. That part of me knows that the best intentions are just that, intentions not results.

The reason I am so tired, is on the 3rd I stayed awake until after midnight and got the word count I needed to be on target going in to yesterday. I finished the scene. I killed a character, and I did it in the presence of the reader. That is something I haven't been able to do up until now. Not only did I kill him, I killed him well. It was great. Bad writing aside, I did a phenomenal job, and I can fix bad writing.

All of that aside, I feel good about where I am. After my phenomenal killing job on Tuesday, I sucked the wind right out of my character yesterday. However, I now know it is okay to occasionally be exceptionally bad so that I can creatively kill someone just a few hundred words later.

Word(s) of the day: derisive & frenetic. She was swinging her hips in time to the music and waving her arms to the syncopated off beats. Her hair was flapping across her face in a frenetic frenzy. I could see the line where her makeup ended and her real self began. The men dancing behind her making derisive gestures had no idea of the opportunity they were accidentally squandering.

Write or Die!

2009-11-03T20:35:00.000-05:00

Today I wrote. I didn't write well. I didn't write the next great American novel, but I wrote. I sat down, and I wrote. I'm quite proud of myself. No, I am not to the word count I should be at for day three of NaNo. I've written 2220 words so far today, and feel there are still a few more in there. If I can get another 1608 today, then I will be caught up to where I need to be, but I'm not going to focus on that. I am going to continue to write.

I found, or rather was told about, a wonderful little tool today. It's a website called Write or Die by Dr. Wicked. While I've seen a few comments where people were actually turned off by the name, it really gets me going. But then again, we never assumed I was normal did we? It's a neat little tool that lets you pick a number or words and a time limit and then imposes consequences. At it's harshest settings, if you sit there with a blinking cursor for too long not writing, it actually starts backspacing your words one at a time and erasing them! WOAH! Talk about inspiration to keep those fingers moving.

I've had to accept that a certain percentage of what I write for NaNo is going to be crap. I have to accept that I am a good writer, and I can be an even better writer, and that I already am a phenomenal editor. It's that editor that always gets in the way of my writing. I will sit and ponder a single word for an hour or so. One paragraph will be rewritten a dozen or more times before I consider it suitable. When I get to the larger pictures of things, I end up having several saved documents with nothing changed but the order of four or five paragraphs. Turning off the editor has always been a problem. However, I don't have time to edit if the words are going to start disappearing. It has a supernatural feel to it. Even the name fits into the horror genre I'm trying to feign. Oddly enough, without giving too much away, the write (a story) or die premise fits exceptionally closely with the premise of my novel. I'm excited and am off to write.

I still see value in the vocabulary practice so here goes. Word of the day: carnal. I don't know which desire is worse, more carnal: hearing a story and claiming the life of the teller, or actual human contact and acceptance in the world. The fact that the two may be one in the same is not a thought I can bear. I don't know what it would do to my victims if I could spend time with them, hear more than a single story. I think it would be torturous for us both.

A slow start...

2009-11-02T22:34:00.000-05:00

So, I ended up going to bed on Halloween night without starting my writing. I was exhausted from a horribly long day, and I honestly thought a good night's sleep would be what was most beneficial for my writing. Then Sunday arrived, and so did the bills, and the grocery shopping, and cooking fresh venison for dinner. I got around 800 or so words on Sunday evening. Then, the realization that my lesson plans weren't complete for Monday drove me to bed without a second look back at my NaNo writing.

Today, I've continued. I've not even reached the day one word count, much less made progress toward the day two count. I don't know how to do this. I like my character; I'm attracted to him; I want to meet him, but I don't know him. I don't know how to write him, and lucky for me, he's the silent, brooding type who shares nothing. Dare I say it? I don't even want to write it now. I'm not feeling the story at all. I'm even beginning to think the basic premise is lame.

I will do my vocabulary, see if I can get another couple of hundred words and hit the sack. The kids are going to the sitter for a few hours tomorrow, and I will try again to see if I can kill a character without sounding like a dunce.

Word of the day: truculent. I often tried to encourage my victims kindly. Some can feel their life rushing forward with the words. I don't want to be a truculent killer; I'd prefer the title of gentle harbinger.

So here's to being fully inspired tomorrow and getting the job done.

T minus one hour (give or take)

2009-10-31T23:00:00.001-04:00

It is almost time for me to begin my breakout novel. I'm still in my funky mood, but there's a chance that may help me. Perhaps, my funky mood will allow my mind to wander to a deeper place where people can die mercilessly and spook my readers. I'm trying to decide if I actually want to start tonight or go to bed and start tomorrow. What it comes down to, is I just have to write. I just have to make the story happen, or let the story happen, or just make sure that whatever happens, happens at a better pace than has ever happened before. I'm going to complete this novel; and in a timely fashion.

Word of the day: eke. Death stories often begin with "You wouldn't believe what happened to me the other day." I don't know why a person's last story they ever tell has to be about the daily crap of life that creeps up to surprise us. Every now and again I let a death eke by and don't take the story. Sometimes I hear hope and don't hear desperation. Those are the ones I try to ignore.

28 hours....

2009-10-30T21:12:00.000-04:00

I will begin my breakout novel. I will write the words that come to my head, and I will throw my character's lives to the wind. I won't let them live in peace. I will push them beyond what they think they can handle. They will have life changing moments, soul altering epiphanies, heart breaking revelations. I have no idea how to start. There is this whole governor scene in my head, but like the others, when the words start coming it sounds like a B rated movie. I need to find some gruesome killing to read over the next few hours. Here we are, on All Hallow's Eve, and I can't figure out how to scare the crap out of my readers. I can't even manage a goosebump or two. Does it help that I'm in a funky mood? Well, I'm going to do my vocab and read a book about serial killers. Perhaps that will teach me how to properly kill someone! :D

Word of the day: boor. As soon as I entered the room, I saw the cloud gathering around the governor's wife. She was all curls, and mascara, and professionally whitened teeth. I knew I would not get the city's offer to build the new sports arena that evening. I would collect a story; I would collect a life. She would have a juicy one to tell, but I didn't need to be a boor. I would wait and let her begin to spill the words on her own terms.

Plot vs. Character

2009-10-29T23:03:00.000-04:00

Ok, so what I've been reading tonight is the difference between plot driven and character driven novels. Then there was the plot driven novel that is based on character intentions. Hunh? I don't get it at all. I really just don't understand. I mean I understand it in the way that I can teach my students to recognize that a plot is driving the action of what they are reading. I can help them to understand that it is a character's inner journey that moves the plot from point A to point B. What I can't understand is how it is done. Reading it in a book is one thing, reading how to do it is another, but actually doing it is something that I can't even wrap my mind around. Millions of examples do nothing to make it any clearer.

For the first time ever, I am actually scared to start. I'm afraid to write this novel. I've never finished a novel. There is fear number one. When I start writing, I always go off track from where I start, and then I have to fight to find a point to work toward. That is one thing in a short story where 20 pages is pretty much your max. There is fear number two. I'm in that shameful place where I don't want to start because I'm afraid I may fail. I truly believe with all my soul that this story is a great story. I believe this is the one that is meant to be written and will be good. I don't know that I am up to the task. I don't believe that I have the ability to pull it off. I will try. I will do my best, but I am scared.

Word of the day: belittle. The mayor was a pompous blow hard. I hated him for his incredulous attitude toward the validity of his opponent's stance. I loved him for his ability to belittle even the most knowledgeable reporter. I wanted to hear the story his wife had to tell.

I missed two days!!!

2009-10-28T20:34:00.000-04:00

Well, we all new it would happen. I should have even been able to predict it. Monday was the end of the nine weeks. Like I do every nine weeks and say I will never do again, I had all my students turn in a formal essay last Thursday and Friday and then gave them all a test on Friday. Grades were due today, and needless to say, the students benefited greatly from me rushing through to get everything in by five. Last night I was up until 2 a.m. trying to get it all done. However, it is all done, and I am free. (Not really, I gave 23 "incompletes", which means those students have 10 days to get me late work, which will then have to be graded ARGH!)

So, here I am, on the precipice of November, and I am basically work free. The students are going to have very little homework in November. They are going to do in class work that can be graded quickly with a multiple choice key. I am going to write. I am going to do what I'm always telling them to do: Get busy working toward your dream, or get busy forgetting it.

Let's see if I can combine three random vocabulary words from my book and make a cohesive unit.

Vocabulary of the day: anathematic, asinine, badgering. He was basically an anathematic outcast. No one genuinely likes their boss, but his employees were particularly asinine in their discomfort. He could often here them outside his office door bickering over who would be the one to enter first. No one wanted to fall under Death's gaze, even if he wasn't tripping toward an eternal passage. At least it meant he rarely got badgered.

Odd, I went back to third person point of view. I wonder if that is a sign. Interesting. I'm off to add more color to my hair and read my Maass book while the color sets. Just over three days until NaNo! Woo Hoo!

Long day...

2009-10-25T22:56:00.000-04:00

Well, I braved Wal-Mart, found out I can't get my watch fixed without seeing a jeweler, grocery shopped, found two Halloween costumes, did a few loads of laundry, vacuumed, cooked dinner, and dyed my hair. In the 30 minutes it took for the color to set I read more about plotting in the Maass book. I think I'm getting a handle on what I might need to do. I'm not sure; I'm not confidant; I'm not even going to bet on it, but I think I might be getting closer to having a clue to what I might want to do. :)

Word of the day: acquisitive. I saw her across the bar, acquisitively slurping her bourbon, scanning the crowd, rubbing her neck suggestively. She had a story to tell. Her eyes passed by me, and I knew the game was on. She wasn't seeking death; she didn't know she was going to die. She was looking for a moment, an evening, an encounter.

A good friend....

2009-10-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

So what did I do today to get closer to my dream of being a published author, you ask? I chatted for an hour and half on Facebook. Now, before you criticize, let me just say this is a friend I've never met. We've never seen more than grainy internet photos of each other. We've talked on the phone several times, more so in the past than since I had my kids. We originally met on the internet at a writing website, and after losing touch for nearly a year, we found each other again on Facebook. We still don't talk much. She's got two kids, a husband, and a job; I've got two kids, a husband, and a job. But when we talk, we really talk. I can honestly say she is the only person I've ever chatted with that can keep up with my sheer typing speed. Not to mention her mind works in the same sick, twisted way mine does. We discovered tonight we both have and are reading the Maass book I've been complaining about/praising. We have done that so many times, bought a book then contacted the other one only to find out they bought and read it too. The trilogy of books that changed me forever, I will never be the same, it will always haunt me, did the same to her. We are writing soul mates.

My friend NaNo's too. So tonight we emailed back and forth what we've been writing and chatted about what comes next. She's all up to date on the unexpected changes that have happened to Death Stories. And here is where the actual "work on your dream" part comes in. We spent the last half hour or so chatting about what to do with my point of view issues. She is definitely the little devil sitting on my shoulder. It's not that she gives me bad advice; quite the contrary, she gives me phenomenal advice by telling me the things I don't want to hear. I've been agonizing about this point of view problem since I first conceived the idea at Hindman in July. The answer has been staring me in the face. So, my little shoulder devil picked it up from in front of my face and slapped me with it.

Despondency be damned! I am going to write this novel; I am going to write it the way it demands to be written; and it is going to be the best thing I've ever written. It will only be surpassed by my long in hibernation fantasy novel. :)

Vocabulary update: I am switching programs. I warned you this might happen. Instead of dictionary.com, I am going to be getting my words from a book called Vicious Vocabulary by Phil Eisenhower. It takes words, about half of which I already know but don't use when I write, combines them with other words to make a slur, yes I said a slur, and then puts all those slurs into a little fiction section to help you see them in context. Then there are activities and word games including the words in famous quotes, or just famous quotes that demonstrate the nature of the slur. I do reserve the right to switch back or to another program at any time.

Word of the day: abased. I do not like the nature of what I do, but I love the way it makes me feel while I'm doing it. It's like a drug. I went through a stage wondering if I was a serial killer. I hated and tortured myself. That is when I first realized that I couldn't die, not that I just lived longer than the rest of the world. Self abasement did nothing to stop the need, the dying.

The closer we get...

2009-10-23T20:09:00.000-04:00

The more I think about NaNo the more I am obsessed with my fantasy novel. I worked on it for NaNo for two years (yes that is against the rules). I even pulled out all 150 pages of my manuscript today and gazed at them longingly. I simply have to see the names of those characters, those countries and I smile. I love that story. I want to finish that story. I want to make it wonderful and chilling.

I felt that way about Death Stories when I first conceived the idea, back when the idea was so completely different than it is now. I was excited and amazed and eager to get started. I was still on summer break, and even though I had to watch two toddlers by myself, I still managed to research and work on it every day, pretending to plot and finding the things I was going to manipulate and incorporate. I don't know when the story started to change. I don't know when things started going in a different direction. I want to be excited about this novel. I want to feel that it can be successful, like I do about Maione, like I felt when I first conceived the idea.

Word of the day: galumph. Working didn't make him happy. Being at home didn't make him happy. He could feel himself galumphing through the days and knew the one thing that would relieve the gloom: death.

Plot, plot, plot, plot...

2009-10-22T21:18:00.000-04:00

I've always believed that plotting is a problem of mine. I think that is one of the reasons I have mostly pursued short stories. However, I've also always believed that I am a novelist at heart. It has always been novels that touch my heart, wrench my emotions, haunt my thoughts and daydreams. While I can spot plot contrivances, twists, and turns from a mile away and never hesitate to call out problems in other's plots, I have never been able to construct even a base outline of a plot for myself. My fantasy novel, which I've been working on for three years, is 150 pages long, and I've covered about 1/6 of what I think is going to be the story.

With that said, I believe I am finally at a chapter in my Maass book that will help. This chapter on plotting may be just as preachy and pedantic as the rest, but it is more of what I need. There are actually parts that I read and I don't understand them immediately. It's been an exceptionally long time since the last time I didn't instantaneously understand and incorporate something as soon as I heard/read it. While I've always succeeded as a student, I am not one who learns well. I'm just as frustrated trying to learn about how to plot as I get when I try to plot. It honestly makes me wonder if perhaps there isn't a novel inside me. I can character sketch. I can even create intense moments and conflict that will raise hairs on your neck but I can't sustain it and create a complete story arch. I'm going to keep reading and mark up this chapter. I'm going to get as much as I possibly can out of this before NaNo hits and I have no choice but to put the words on paper. If I get 50K words in 30 days this year, I will be more than 1/3 of the way through the plot.

Word of the day: aesthete. Home was half way up the west facing side of a kudzu covered mountain. Sun filtered through trees illuminating every particle in the air and even on the warmest of fall days mist floated up from the depths of the hollers at the base. It was a veritable plethora of earth, and vegetation, and luxuriant growth that would overwhelm even the staunchest aesthete.

If you don't have something nice to say...

2009-10-21T22:56:00.001-04:00

Just stick out your tongue! :-P No really, I started the chapter on plot in my Donald Maass book and once again he has gotten preachy and pedantic. Yes, I realize I'm reading a book with the purpose of learning about writing a better novel, but there truly is no need to go on and on about what you yourself state is the obvious. If it weren't for the little random tidbits that make me really want to write this novel and have sudden new ideas, I would completely stop reading this book. I'm still considering it. I mean I do have the accompanying workbook (blush) and could easily skim to the parts that would give me inspiration do the exercises and not waste my time. Decisions, decisions.

Word of the day: scuttlebutt. He doesn't get included in conversations, daily humdrum, office scuttlebutt. Most people don't willingly engage Death.

Not much, I know, but the weekend is coming, and NaNo is coming, and soon it will be all writing all the time. Hang with me.

Another day, another word, another chapter...

2009-10-20T20:21:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I just finished the chapter on characters in Writing the Breakout Novel by Donald Maass. I feel I might have learned a little something. One of the last sections was about cast building, which is definitely something I need to think about in the fantasy novel I've been developing for three years. I wish I had gotten some big inspiration in how to create the characters for Death Stories. It doesn't help that every new idea that I get leads the story in a completely opposite direction from the original conception of the book I wanted to write. Which is fine, in its own right, I guess, with the exception that my original thoughts on the story were so very, very different from anything I've ever read, and that was part of what made it so wonderful and exciting. I honestly thought I was writing a certain type of story that would include certain elements. It was those unusual and actually outdated elements that were going to make the story so phenomenal. Now it is those elements that are quickly being eliminated because they won't fit in the arch that is presenting itself.

Another thing I am struggling with is that I don't seem to be able to write in the genre this novel is obviously going to be (one of the few things that has stayed the same since the beginning is the genre). I have made a few attempts to write in the horror/suspense/thriller mode this book requires, and it always comes out sounding like a B movie script. When I leave out details the horror doesn't come across, it just isn't as clutch your heart suspenseful as I want it to be. When I add the details in, it sounds like it should be coming out of this lady's mouth.

I loved the Elvira Mistress of the Dark horror movies as much as the next person, but I believe they would not translate well to a novel. I need a book to read that will teach me to be horrific, suspenseful, and thrillerific (new word of my own concoction).

Word of the day: milieu. He didn't fit anywhere but could belong everywhere. Death doesn't speak with an accent, yet always sounds like the guy next door, where ever your door may be. There was no milieu where he couldn't assimilate, but there was one place he called home. Yes, this is about my obvious main character in Death Stories. I kind of like it. I may use it.

The joys of a workday... :(

2009-10-19T22:11:00.000-04:00

Ok, so here we are at the end of a long work day, and I have my first doubts about what on earth I was thinking when I began this. I've just knocked out a week of lesson plans; I'm trying not to worry about tomorrow's performance evaluation; and I'm still trying to figure out how to do Arwen and Sawyer's Halloween costumes Really? I have to do something about my writing dreams today, really? So let's thank our muses that I thought of the daily vocabulary practice. Well, at least that is what I thought when I first remembered that I needed to write this tonight. Then I discovered today's word: fugacious. I still like adjectives, but really? If I use words like this in my writing, people aren't going to be wowed or have a better understanding of exactly what I mean! They are going to think I'm a pompous, overstuffed literati. The semblance of peace offered by the treaty was fugacious.

Yes, I am purposefully not including the definitions with my vocabulary practice. Perhaps you will look it up and learn something too! :) While the vocabulary practice gives me a little something to do that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something, I do not believe I am attacking this in the correct way. These words, while wonderful and specific, aren't really what I need to be adding to my writing; I don't think at least.

It is a difficult time at school right now, the end of the nine weeks is quickly approaching. The amount of time left for grading papers and entering grades is fugacious. :) I know I have to make the time to do this, but right now there isn't even time to formulate a plan. I do believe next nine weeks will be easier, plus there is always NaNo around the corner.

So here's hoping that until NaNo I can complete my vocabulary and finish reading my book!

An undertaking...or two.

2009-10-18T12:52:00.000-04:00

So, in reading yesterday's post I realized that I've do very little actual writing. That seems to be the biggest current issue. However, with NaNo starting in just a couple of weeks, I don't know if I should be doing any writing right now. I'm not sure two weeks is enough time to conceive, write, and perfect a short story, and I don't want to start writing on my novel since starting on November 1 is sort of the point of NaNo.

With that said, I am undertaking two things:

Undertaking number 1: Daily vocabulary. I've been using Wordle to analyze what I write. It's a terrific tool to get a visual picture of your novel or short story. I've also decided that it will help me discover themes I'm unaware are creeping into what I write. I've made Wordles from a few hundred words of my favorite authors' work, and I notice something significant. My vocabulary is just not up to par with those people. While I have a good size speaking vocabulary and a phenomenal reading vocabulary neither of these seem to translate to my writing. So here we go with daily vocabulary practice. For now I'm going to use Dictionary.com to get the word I'm going to learn, re-learn, or just assimilate into my writing. Today's word: turbid. I like it. I like adjectives. His thoughts were in a dark, turbid state as he contemplated his next decision.

Undertaking number 2: To create or to fix? Question of the day is do I take the handful of days until NaNo to A) try to revise and perfect the short story I wrote earlier in the year for Hindman or B) conceive and try to write a good draft of a new short story? I'm going to try to embed a poll and let you decide. I can see either option being productive or failing miserably. Either way, on November 1 I am beginning Death Stories for real.

On a side note, I am currently reading Writing the Breakout Novel by Donald Maass. Is it embarrassing to say that I also have the accompanying workbook? Oh well. While the beginning was basically unhelpful, preachy, and annoying, I've been inspired and have enjoyed the chapters on stakes, time and place, and characters. I will continue to read and plan to finish before NaNo starts.

Have a good day; learn a new word; and vote on whether I should create or fix! :)

Let's get this party started!

2009-10-17T13:45:00.001-04:00

I decided today that if I truly want to become an author I need to do something about it, and I need to do something about it daily. I talk about it; I dream about it; I plan for it, but I rarely do anything about it. Oh, I say I'm doing something all the time. I read a book (or seven) about how to write a novel or short story. I read a novel and say it is research. I research M.F.A. programs. I visit and revisit my pictures, writings, and Facebook friends from The Hindman Settlement School Appalachain Writer's Workshop. I do all these things and say I'm working toward becoming an author. While I do believe these things are beneficial (except maybe for the Facebook part), I don't believe I'm moving forward. I'm standing here flapping my arms, looking around, wondering why I'm not flying.

I am very accountable to everyone else. I'm a decent wife, a pretty good mom, and a fabulous teacher, but I am not a self advocate. Like all moms, I put myself last. Unfortunately, that has included my writing. I've tried every trick I've come across: daily word counts, word wars with other writers, the famous NaNoWriMo. None of these have worked.

So I am creating this blog as an attempt to chronicle my progress, inspire me to work, and perhaps hold myself accountable for my own dreams and future. Every day I am going to post what I have done that day to make progress toward my dream of being an author. I think this is a good time to start because NaNoWriMo starts in 14 days. I am going to attempt one more time to reach the goal of 50K words in 30 days. Hopefully, this blog will get me in the right mindset to work on my writing on a daily basis, get me through NaNo, and keep me going until I have gotten somewhere.

I hope you enjoy; I hope you comment; I hope you share.